scratched and dented

ya know....usually i think of my self as being sort of like a coffee mug...not the usual kind tho;  made of rubber mostly. Like if I was dropped I'd bounce and not break...if I was run into no one would get hurt...we'd just bounce off each other....i may get a few slight dings here and there from playing with sharp objects...and after a while of being knocked around my color might fade a bit ....but otherwise....I'd stay very resilient. 

But here lately....i feel a wee change starting.  Almost like an osmosis thing is taking place.  Part of me is turning into a porcelain china coffee cup.

Weird

The whole cup thing is odd b/c I don't drink coffee....or hot tea....so not sure why I don't think of myself as a glass....lol...
whatever....

any who...I don't feel as indestructible as I used to.  It's being chipped away...actually, some days it feels like chunks  of rubber are being hammered off leaving the fragile porcelain exposed. 
I don't like it.
 not one bit.

Just thought I'd share a thought.
needed to squish the grape.

March 11,2011

Mom woke Lovee and I up a wee bit after midnight..."Daddy's gone"....that's all I heard as I jumped out of bed and ran into their room.

I had given him his meds a bit after 9....pulled the covers up snuggly around him....stroked his head and kissed him goodnight.  I told him I was going to bed; that Mom was sleeping; that Lovee would be back in to give him some more medicine in a couple hours; that I  loved him and hoped he had sweet dreams and slept tight....and that I'd see him in the morning.

sometime btw then and midnight he left us.
It had been Mom's wish that he would make his journey on March 11.  That way she'd only have one date to remember...my brother's and daddy's. His last gift to her....was the date.

The service was so nice.  I've never attended a funeral where ppl laughed so much.  He would have liked that.  He was such a kidder and jokster.  My sweet, sweet Lovee wrote and delivered the eulogy. Dad had told sisterlittle and I years ago that he thought it'd be nice if she and I could say something nice abt him at his funeral....fat chance of that we thought.. :)
Lovee did it for us.  He struggled at times but got through it with such love.
Our pastor did a tremendous job...she was so so fond of dad and he thought the world of her.  She often came to visit him and he would always perk up whenever she walked through the door. 
So glad she was able to officiate at the funeral.

We saw people at the chapel we hadn't seen in years....interesting I thought.  Dad's old golf buddies from wayyy back...friends they hadn't seen in years...friends I hadn't seen in years....
Made me start thinking again...
I decided not to pursue that any more...not worth it.  I was at peace with everyone and everything.

I still don't know how to do this....but I'm learning.
I'm giving myself time....
feeling tremendously blessed and grateful for having the honor to care for him.
He's whole now.  No glasses are needed...he can hear...no confusion....he's young again.  Peacefully.

I love you Daddy.
Have sweet dreams and sleep tight

i don't know how to do this

i've never seen a class offered on how to say goodbye to parents.  How am I supposed to say goodbye to my precious daddy?  it's so final. he's sleeping. Can he hear me? can he feel me holding his hand?? washing his face?? has he heard me tell him it's ok to 'go home'? will his dementia let him understand it?
Days,.... the Hospice nurse said.  Days.  ever thought abt that? Days come and go without us even realizing it sometimes...sometimes it seems like they take forever to go by....time is relative isn't it?  i need more time.  Selfishly I want more time....
but there's pain involved....a terrible wasting away....he can't eat...can't drink....can't talk....the only sounds out of him these 'days' are moans.  But because he can't communicate we don't know what they mean....ugh...
So I pray....and pray....and pray some more.......
then i remember to breathe....i try to match my breatheing with his....can't...it's too shallow....

Lovee.....my precious and loving Lovee....he's hurting in this too.  He never got to tell his parents goodbye.....
He's hyper-vigilent with Dad now.  Sitting by his bedside...holding his hand...pulling the covers up around him....coz daddy hates to be cold...he covers him....drops the liquid pain meds in his mouth  at the right time....never letting too much time go by...no suffering for his precious father inlaw....he's there for him.  Always has been...and will be till the end.
Lovee and i are taking shifts....making sure the meds stay in him round the clock.
but still...I don't know how to do this!!!

in a few 'days' i'll learn tho won't I?  whether or not I want to....i'll learn.  Because i'll have to do it again one day.. the mom is still with us. 
Losing the love of her life of 60 years.  I don't think she knows how to do this either.
WE'll all learn together.

We'll get by with a little help from our friends.....isn't that how it's supposed to go?

My mind...a terrible thing to waste...

So, I'm bored. Imagine that!
I'm thinking abt blogging again...
not completely sure abt what I'll write abt...whatever pops into this grape I guess...
I may get a wee bit snotty....or rude...or totally out of character for what you're u sed to...
just not sure.
I may decide to ....ooh....whatever...
we'll see
still thinking.
thinking
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thinking....
more later...

new read

surprise surprise......yep it's me. I'm still alive. Ran into another uplifting site that I want to share with all ya'll. It's called Milas Daydreams and it's on my list of blogs.
Worth the trip. At least I think the 'gals' out there will enjoy them.

So, we're still going strong here....the parentals are still kicking. So am I. So is Lovee.
Nothing new really except Dememtia Dad's Dementia is getting really bad. It's just the nature of the beast.

Lovee has joined me in taking the little pink happy pills. Poor guy....He fought the good fight but it eventually got to him too. Thankfully he got on the meds and we'll be ok.

WE got new computers for Christmas. I'm on a laptop now. :) woohoo!!! Lovee got a new PC that can handle his Flight Simulator game. That's his stress reliever. So we can both do our thing whenever we want and...AND I can take this lovely gal out to the smoke hole with me. Yea...I love it!!
Our Precious bonus daughter, ETK, flew out here and hooked everything up for us. Yes, we're challenged. Isn't that what kids are for? :)

Still not in the mood to blog much anymore. I've gotten reaquainted with an old friend of mine who has turned out to be the best friend I've ever had. Seriously. So supportive...without a prompt from me....calls, visits, dreams with me....you name it..she's there. WE are in each others corner. I love it. I needed it.

I'm sitting here at my kitchen table, looking at the 5 inches of snow we got and the sun shining down on it making everything so sparklie....just the way i like things. :0

Its all good in the grape.
xoxo
tt