Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Dementia part Deux.............

yep....it's here.  The mom got the diagnosis after having 2 heart attacks in as many days.  The first one she refused treatment once the pain was under control.  The second one she wasn't given a choice.  Nitro wouldn't relieved the pain. So one week in the hospital getting 2 stints and she's sort of back to normal..whatever that is.
But...the Dr. says that whatever was going on in her heart was probably going on in her head.  Enter Dementia.  Mafugly ugly desease!!!!
It's not as bad as Dad's was.  Not yet anyway.  Dear God please don't let it get there either!!
I'm tough as nails...but can be as weak as a young sapling...
I'm strong as a rock...but can break like a china cup...
I'm head strong ...but can melt like snow at any given moment...

The only saving grace in this whole picture....if that's what i can call it....is that she's let go of most of her criticalness...is that a word???

She forgets too easily to criticize me.  Finally........i'm free of that after 57 years...but at what cost???

I can't change the past...i can only accept what the future has in store for me and go with it.  I'll survive the challenge; and i;ll be intact when it's over. 
I'll be stronger than i ever knew.
I'll be more compassionate than i thought i could be.
I will love easier and forgive faster.

I think..............

Saturday, October 1, 2011

scratched and dented

ya know....usually i think of my self as being sort of like a coffee mug...not the usual kind tho;  made of rubber mostly. Like if I was dropped I'd bounce and not break...if I was run into no one would get hurt...we'd just bounce off each other....i may get a few slight dings here and there from playing with sharp objects...and after a while of being knocked around my color might fade a bit ....but otherwise....I'd stay very resilient. 

But here lately....i feel a wee change starting.  Almost like an osmosis thing is taking place.  Part of me is turning into a porcelain china coffee cup.


The whole cup thing is odd b/c I don't drink coffee....or hot tea....so not sure why I don't think of myself as a glass....lol...

any who...I don't feel as indestructible as I used to.  It's being chipped away...actually, some days it feels like chunks  of rubber are being hammered off leaving the fragile porcelain exposed. 
I don't like it.
 not one bit.

Just thought I'd share a thought.
needed to squish the grape.

Thursday, March 31, 2011

March 11,2011

Mom woke Lovee and I up a wee bit after midnight..."Daddy's gone"....that's all I heard as I jumped out of bed and ran into their room.

I had given him his meds a bit after 9....pulled the covers up snuggly around him....stroked his head and kissed him goodnight.  I told him I was going to bed; that Mom was sleeping; that Lovee would be back in to give him some more medicine in a couple hours; that I  loved him and hoped he had sweet dreams and slept tight....and that I'd see him in the morning.

sometime btw then and midnight he left us.
It had been Mom's wish that he would make his journey on March 11.  That way she'd only have one date to remember...my brother's and daddy's. His last gift to her....was the date.

The service was so nice.  I've never attended a funeral where ppl laughed so much.  He would have liked that.  He was such a kidder and jokster.  My sweet, sweet Lovee wrote and delivered the eulogy. Dad had told sisterlittle and I years ago that he thought it'd be nice if she and I could say something nice abt him at his funeral....fat chance of that we thought.. :)
Lovee did it for us.  He struggled at times but got through it with such love.
Our pastor did a tremendous job...she was so so fond of dad and he thought the world of her.  She often came to visit him and he would always perk up whenever she walked through the door. 
So glad she was able to officiate at the funeral.

We saw people at the chapel we hadn't seen in years....interesting I thought.  Dad's old golf buddies from wayyy back...friends they hadn't seen in years...friends I hadn't seen in years....
Made me start thinking again...
I decided not to pursue that any more...not worth it.  I was at peace with everyone and everything.

I still don't know how to do this....but I'm learning.
I'm giving myself time....
feeling tremendously blessed and grateful for having the honor to care for him.
He's whole now.  No glasses are needed...he can hear...no confusion....he's young again.  Peacefully.

I love you Daddy.
Have sweet dreams and sleep tight

Monday, March 7, 2011

i don't know how to do this

i've never seen a class offered on how to say goodbye to parents.  How am I supposed to say goodbye to my precious daddy?  it's so final. he's sleeping. Can he hear me? can he feel me holding his hand?? washing his face?? has he heard me tell him it's ok to 'go home'? will his dementia let him understand it?
Days,.... the Hospice nurse said.  Days.  ever thought abt that? Days come and go without us even realizing it sometimes...sometimes it seems like they take forever to go by....time is relative isn't it?  i need more time.  Selfishly I want more time....
but there's pain involved....a terrible wasting away....he can't eat...can't drink....can't talk....the only sounds out of him these 'days' are moans.  But because he can't communicate we don't know what they mean....ugh...
So I pray....and pray....and pray some more.......
then i remember to breathe....i try to match my breatheing with his....can't...it's too shallow....

Lovee.....my precious and loving Lovee....he's hurting in this too.  He never got to tell his parents goodbye.....
He's hyper-vigilent with Dad now.  Sitting by his bedside...holding his hand...pulling the covers up around him....coz daddy hates to be cold...he covers him....drops the liquid pain meds in his mouth  at the right time....never letting too much time go by...no suffering for his precious father inlaw....he's there for him.  Always has been...and will be till the end.
Lovee and i are taking shifts....making sure the meds stay in him round the clock.
but still...I don't know how to do this!!!

in a few 'days' i'll learn tho won't I?  whether or not I want to....i'll learn.  Because i'll have to do it again one day.. the mom is still with us. 
Losing the love of her life of 60 years.  I don't think she knows how to do this either.
WE'll all learn together.

We'll get by with a little help from our friends.....isn't that how it's supposed to go?

Friday, February 4, 2011

My mind...a terrible thing to waste...

So, I'm bored. Imagine that!
I'm thinking abt blogging again...
not completely sure abt what I'll write abt...whatever pops into this grape I guess...
I may get a wee bit snotty....or rude...or totally out of character for what you're u sed to...
just not sure.
I may decide to ....ooh....whatever...
we'll see
still thinking.
more later...

Thursday, January 20, 2011

new read

surprise surprise......yep it's me. I'm still alive. Ran into another uplifting site that I want to share with all ya'll. It's called Milas Daydreams and it's on my list of blogs.
Worth the trip. At least I think the 'gals' out there will enjoy them.

So, we're still going strong here....the parentals are still kicking. So am I. So is Lovee.
Nothing new really except Dememtia Dad's Dementia is getting really bad. It's just the nature of the beast.

Lovee has joined me in taking the little pink happy pills. Poor guy....He fought the good fight but it eventually got to him too. Thankfully he got on the meds and we'll be ok.

WE got new computers for Christmas. I'm on a laptop now. :) woohoo!!! Lovee got a new PC that can handle his Flight Simulator game. That's his stress reliever. So we can both do our thing whenever we want and...AND I can take this lovely gal out to the smoke hole with me. Yea...I love it!!
Our Precious bonus daughter, ETK, flew out here and hooked everything up for us. Yes, we're challenged. Isn't that what kids are for? :)

Still not in the mood to blog much anymore. I've gotten reaquainted with an old friend of mine who has turned out to be the best friend I've ever had. Seriously. So supportive...without a prompt from me....calls, visits, dreams with me....you name it..she's there. WE are in each others corner. I love it. I needed it.

I'm sitting here at my kitchen table, looking at the 5 inches of snow we got and the sun shining down on it making everything so sparklie....just the way i like things. :0

Its all good in the grape.

Friday, July 23, 2010


Well...here I am...needing to squish a wee bit. Nothing too big....just that dreaded 12...no, more like 5 year old feeling. I reallly hate it! Have I mentioned before how much I hate playing the age game with the parentals? yea, I thought so :(

The Dad's dementia is getting worse. Seriously worse. But...today of all days ( shower day) he knew it was me who showered him. ugh! he usually thinks I'm a 'hired' gal who comes in....made me feel better knowing he thought that way actually...but afterwards...he asked if I resented giving "your old man a shower"....**snif-snif**... No Dad I don't..." well I'm sure glad b/c I don't know what I'd do w/o you"...** bigger sniffers**. ugh.......
I know I should shower him more often than I do, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I'm awful. Period. No rebuttals.

Mom is showing signs of Dementia too. :(....that'll be fun.

Wanna know what happens when I run out of my happy pills? It's sooo not pretty. I did it once before when Dad was in the hospital. Ugly time. I did it again just last week. OMG...I didn't know I'd forgotten them...I just missed that bottle when I was filling our pill cases... ( yep..we take so many that I fill the cases up weekely so I WON"T forget one.)and went abt 3 days w/o them. Then the 'gazzzittts' started in my brain. That's the only way I can describe it...it feels like the way electrical 'arcs' go. Does that make sense?? Weird I know...but when the gazittts hit, it stops me in my tracks and I can't think or anything for a few seconds... totally weird. Then the headaches start and the tireds set in and all I can think of is jumping off a cliff. Seriously...ugh! But it's not untill then that I realize what's going on. Takes abt 2 days to get back on track.

Lovee and I had a new patio poured. It's ginormous!! bought some chaise loungers love seat and chairs...huge umbrella...and put a dining table on it..Way...cool. L.O.V.E .IT. !!!!!

Lovee and I also had our yearly vacation. Went to Texas to see #2 son, Pups and his lovely's new casa. WOW.....can you say mini-mansion. Had a great time there. Then went further south to see Farmer's Wife!!!!!!! and her clan AND DEZ....glasshalfempty gal....and her hubs. We had the mst fabulous time there. Got to ride on a go-cart w/ farmer Jr. and see lots of corn! Visited with the wee g-pig....saw lil gal in all her glory...:)...even saw the 'queen of Sheba tub' -I want one!!!! Dez is wayyyy sweet...and showed us around and took us to the beach. Loved it all. Too short a visit tho..:(
Then off to San Antinio to see some friends and go to the riverwalk....great time in all.
Sisterlittle survived. Mainly b/c we opened the pool before we left and she was in it everyday!
Good for her I say.

I'm in the pool everyday too. it's keeping me sane.....mostly.
I'll post some pics later.

hugs and loves to all.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

So....here it is...March 25 1977. :)
Oops...no it's march 25, 2010. It's babyboy's birthday so I've been going back and forth in time today. Did I ever dream that on his 33rd birthday I'd be living in Okla-f-ing-homa and taking care of the rents in MY home?? hell no!! haha
Life***** it's what happens when you're not looking.

Since being on my meds, I don't feel the need to rant and rave about all the goings on in my life. Interesting. I mainly just get on Facebook these days for a quick-down-and-dirty look at my friends and see what's going on. Quick being the operative word. Time is a precious commodity to me.
The rents are still kicking if you're curious. Dad gets wonkier by the day and the Mom...well, she still manages to piss me off at least once a week. Which is better than it used to be. I think she's now afraid to piss me off because if I can't care for them...it's the dreaded Nursing Home!!
Couldn't do that to the Dad...he's too precious.

That's it. that's all I got.
Maybe something exciting will happen in my life that I'll be able to share. But...doubtful

Hugs and aqueezers to any who read this!!!!

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

here squishie squishie...

need to squish a bit.
Probably random incoherent thoughts will surface. That's OK. It's my blog and I'll be incoherent and indecisive if I want.

So, it's been 4 freaking months since the rents moved in with Lovee and I. 4 frustrating,glorious,maddening,tiring,blessed months. So many emotions. It's hard to count them all.
What happens to older ppl( the parentals ) who just give up or can't do anything ? They sit in front of the fireplace, snuggies ( of course ) on, drifting in and out of sleep like a bump on a pickle....for hours at a time. When they do wake or stir it's to call me...the beck and call girl person...to do whatever it is they need. Take Dad to the bathroom ( and all that involves )...get them some coffee...dress the Dad...put on the Mom's shock and shoes ...fasten her bra....fix her hair...give Dad a shower...dole out the meds...cook...clean...drive....shop.......ugh...the list goes on and on. There is no end.

My life.
That's just the way it is.
I'm doing Gods work. I see that.
But at the same time....I actually feel as if my life may stay this way. I can't dream my way into Lovee's and my future anymore. I'm stuck in the here and now. Never was that way before. I miss it.
I miss lots of stuff.
I want to rebel........I want to throw myself on the ground and throw a huge hissy fit...I want to go...anywhere...w/o telling anyone where I'm going or when I'll be back.
Oh....it's freedom I'm missing I think.

An 'Aha' moment just flashed me. Any flash is better than no flash I guess.
I miss me. I miss the way things were. I hate pity parties - whatever.

Dad's Dementia is getting worse by the day. I thought he looped before...ha...now it happens every 2 minutes or so. He has absolutely no idea how to shower...brush his teeth...what order to put clothes on or off...what to eat....nothing...unless I tell him. Sad. So, so sad.
The Mom is.........well, I think she may be developing Alzheimer's. That's my gut talking..
I think Dementia is a nicer dimension the the Alz. Alz can be very mean. In my case anyway.

Maybe it's just how their personalities were before. Dad the jovial happy guy...Mom the dour, pessimistic nagger.

I miss having friends to go places with. Most of my friends were from work. Those kind of friends fade when you no longer work together. Some friends only call when they want something....I don't like that, but I talk to them to lessen my loneliness...then hang up and swear to myself that I won't do it again....but I do. :(
Lovee is still my hero. I'd be 6 feet under right now if he weren't with me. Seriously.
I'm doing something my mind really can't get a grip on....i know it's the right thing to do...but I miss life.

gotta go fold the laundry and take the rents for a walk outside...it's nice today.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Dog gone........

did I mention we had to find new homes for my wee Chihuahua's? sucks!!
Number 3 son and his girlfriend took them for a while but eventually had to find new homes for them. I guess having 6 wolves and 3 dogs PLUS our 2 was a wee bit much. No worries though. Pebbles is being treated like the princess she knows she is and Panda is ruling her new house. They actually live next door to each other and can run the fence together. That makes me smile.

When we moved the parentals in with us we really didn't have a choice. Both of them are blind. The thought of one or both of them tripping over a dog makes me shiver... and with my Dad's Diabetes he bleeds so easily that the smallest scratch is like a rushing river. Panda just loves everyone and always greeted Dad with paw which always made him bleed.
shitfuckhelldamn :(
The new mommies say I can visit but I think it's best that I don't. For one that dreaded throat lump would appear and two....I wouldn't want to stir up old feelings in them or make them think I was bringing them home.

The grape's not to squishy lately... and now a days when I'm doing my paint and spackle routine I'm usually so rushed that nothing is getting reshuffled up in the grape house.
Which reminds me...
i probably need to do a wee bit of rearranging up there...

Later maters...

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

I'm reallly curious.....

about relationships...with friends...that's what I'm squeezing the grapes about today....

Here's a few posers for anyone who may like to give me some input.

1. Do you 'expect' your good or best friends to- call you?

I do. Emails are fine for quick questions or little miss yous or thinking of you things...but nothing replaces a phone call. Well, except the next item.....

2. Do you 'expect' your good or best friends to- visit you if they live fairly close?

I do. In TT's world :) friends don't need an invitation. The door is always open. Especially these days or actually the last few years when I've been so limited because of my care giver duties. I know people get busy and everyday life gets in the way, but how hard is it to carve out some time for a 'friend'?

3. Do you 'expect' your good or best friends to- invite you to their home?

I do. Why not? If you can't go for some reason plan another time. How hard is that?

4. do you 'expect' your good or best friends to- include you in fun things you both enjoy?

I do. If you share the same genre of activities why not include each other?

5. Do you 'expect' your good or best friends to be up to date on your goings on?

I do. Especially best friends. Should you have to do all the 'telling' or do you expect them to ask for information. I think friends should be interested in most aspects of your life....otherwise why would you consider them a friend.

6. Do you 'expect' your good or best friends to tell you how it is or sugar coat it?

I personally think women tend to sugar coat things so as not to hurt feelings. But at the same time I think it's wrong. Because if you aren't straight forward enough things can get misconstrued and all twisted up and resentment can build. It's the old " i can't tell him/her what I really think about this because I may loose a friend" Well.......if you loose the friend because you were honest about your feelings then what did you really loose? Honesty doesn't have to be mean spirited.

I know most of these questions may seem childish or boring, but have you ever really thought of what you expect out of a friendship?

I know it takes time to build a true relationship with someone. A friend is different than an acquaintance obviously. A true, life long friend is rare I think. I mean couples marry because they're in love....people become friends because of commonalities....but,down the road when one or both of them change....there's a split.


that's it for now....I'm through squeezing the grapes for today.

(I still hate that damn TT thingie!)

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

in case anyone wonders.....

The parental units are living with Lovee and I as of the 19 of September!!! Yep.....it happened. they both took a fall...he actually fell on her! One of his dizzy spells got him and she tried to help. didn't work out too well. She bruised her whole right side, bruised up her ribs real bad, broke her foot and a toe. We thought he escaped injury...but no. His back went waaayyyy south.
He ended up in the hospital because of the pain and basically went down hill from there. I HATE hospitals!! I understand their function but geeze!!!........... he was left to lay in his own waste for hours at a time!!! Grrrrrrrrrrr.......

So now he's home....more tests to try and determine what if anything can be done for his back. His Dementia is worse. it collides with this world and gets him all confused. Mom, bless her heart, just sits by his bedside and watches over him all day!!! it's awful...
I go check on him and watch to see if the covers are moving or if I can hear him breathing. I have to do everything for him these days. Feed him when he'll eat...bathe him...change his diapers....get him up....get him down....you name it...Lovee and I do it for him. The baths and diapers are the hardest thing..........not hard to do exactly, it's just that I never...EVER...thought about having to do such personal things for my Daddy! it's hard. very hard. I'm thinking it won't be long before Hospice shows up. :(
Lovee.......he's still my rock. Actually he's my mountain. Could I do this without him?? Absolutely not! No way.
There's quite a bit more but that's it for now. It hurts my head rethinking it all.

Oh, I did find out what happens if I run out of my happy pills........it's not pretty. It's actually quite frightening. Lovee saved me though and got them to me. Never again will I run out. NEVER!!

Duties beckon........

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

still here.....

I'm just not full of interesting tidbits anymore. Curious isn't it?
And....that stupid TT thingie is bugging me.

Life is going on. Parentals are still alive. I'm still on my marvelous meds....which I'll need next week when the parentals and I fly to Denver so they can see Sisterlittles house.
The fun never ends.
Turned 55 two days ago. Double nickels work for me.

Maybe I'll do a real post this weekend....we'll see

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

getting squishie with it .......ha

Have you ever thought about tooth brushes? The electric kind? I know.......every morning right? lol..........
Well, you ought to see what an 83, soon to be 84 year old man who's legally blind and has Dementia does with his!!! Tuesdays are my ' wet cleaning' days. Bathrooms, non carpeted floors, sinks, tubs etc. My parentals don't use the same bathroom to bathe and stuff. Dad's is upstairs in my old room. There is a HUGE mirror, about 10 feet long or so that spans the length of the vanity. One sink. Each Tuesday I'm completely surprised at that I see on that vanity and mirror. Seriously!!!!! I know what's coming as I walk in there but still I'm amazed at the sheer volume of toothpaste mess. Toothpaste splatters are literally everywhere!!!!!! The whole length of the mirror.........the entire vanity and anything sitting on it....the shower doors behind it..... the walls....nothing is left untouched.....even the toilet! ( which has it's own mess mind you ) Cracks me up! lol
I think it would be like handing a 3 year old an electric toothbrush, telling him to brush his teeth and then leaving the room. Facinating ;) I can only imagine how long it takes him to find the off button.
Yep, it's a full life. :)
Dad had 2 cancer spots cut off his ears yesterday morning. Guess what we talked about the rest of the day? hahaha...his bank statement! I'll never figure out how the mind works.
My daily schedule was so off yesterday from Dr. appointments and grocery stores...3 grocery stores mind you....going to the bank about 'said' statement.....plus Dad loosing one of his night time syringes and not being able to find it...that's curious....that I completely forgot to do their weekly pillcases! I got a call from the Mom about 30 minutes after I had taken my sleepers. Well, shitfuckdamn! My bad. Drove back down to Tulsa, a 30 minute drive, filled the pills while listening to my Dad laugh about trying to find the pills in the empty case ( it really was funny ) and then the trip home. I think I was asleep 5 minutes later. I've filled those pill cases every Tuesday for almost 2 frickin years....and yesterday I forgot. whatever..........
Monday will mark my 2 year anniversary of caregiving. Wow!! Time flies when you're having fun doesn't it?! lol
The ways in which my life have changed were unimaginable to me when I started this. The rollercoaster only has small dips now. Thank God! I'm actually starting to see the joys in this again. I can feel my compassion coming back. I feel a different kind of energy flow...slower but steady. I can do steady.
It's all good in TT's world now.
Lovee is working an earlier shift at the Wal~mart DC this week. We're getting up at 3 AM! It's now 5:20 and I'm ready for my day. Insane I tell you....insane! lol
But, I've got to start my day with a bit of Lovee time you know...he's my hero. :)

Happy hump day blobbies.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Update.....or rambles.. :) .....

Good grief!! It's been almost a month since I posted anything. So much has gone on I don't know where to start......actually, it's a lot of nothing that's gone on. Does that make since?

First an update on my new 'miracle' meds. I really don't have the words to describe how I feel. It's different. In a good way. I haven't cried in 5 weeks. That's huge for me...HUGE!!! The simplest things would set me off. Well, what I called simple anyway. Mountains of squishie grape juice would just pour out of me and half the time I didn't know where it came from. Seriously. I mean, I knew it was because of taking care of the parentals and watching their slow decline and their daily struggles and all of the shit that goes with it, but I guess it just built so slowly that I didn't realize the toll it was taking. Add to it my insane desire to be a 'pleaser' to everyone....especially my folks...............well, I set myself up for failure. Not intentionally mind you, but none the less.........that's the out come. Why would I expect so much from myself that I wouldn't expect someone else? I have no answer for that. Not going to examine that anymore either.
Am I rambling? Probably. Here's some more....lol

When I started this blog.......I did it as a way to get things off my chest so to speak. Once I say something out loud or put it into writing....it's usually gone. Done. Off my mind. Usually forever actually..,....
Now that I'm on the miracle 'happy pills'...I no longer feel the need to express myself. That's curious to me. Very curious. I no longer obcess on things....I don't over analyze things to death...
All good things. I see sunshine everyday....I feel joy....but can recognize sorrow and acknowledge it without a melt down. Curious.

I saw my Dr. yesterday for a review of what's been going on since I started the meds. He said he was very, very worried about me and that "I made his day" by seeing that the meds were working and he didn't have to try something else. Me too. :)

Another thought that does go through my squishie grape is this blog. I'm sure it's the meds, but I actually have no desire to post anything. I do find that curious....a wee bit anyway.
My extreme emotions are repressed....or perhaps compressed.....and I like it that way.
So, frequent posting from me will probably go by the wayside.......
I may write from time to time....about Dad's new looping on coins.....he can't remember what they are or what they're for....or Mom' new forgetfullness....or that all of their friends are dropping like flys and we attend way too many funerals.......or that how I have to tell Mom how to start the dishwasher every week.....how Dad's becoming obcessive about his failing health...
little things like that. :) did I just say 'little'? lol

I'm in a contented place right now. I'm just going to go with that and enjoy what life brings me.

Thursday, March 19, 2009


Thought I'd pop on here for a few minutes and give ya'll a bit of an update. As if you've been wondering.....
Not sure if anyone noticed...probably not...but I've had a wee bit of a struggle going on for a while now. My poor saintly Lovee took the brunt of my struggles....as any adoring and lovable hubs would do.. ;) I've often said that "Lovee saved me"....as I start a story or end one. He did it again. Literally I think.
This caregiver gig I have is without a doubt the hardest thing I've ever taken on in my entire life. When I started it, I was so naive in my thinking I wondered what all the hub-bub was about. How could it be so challenging to take care of parents I wondered. Sure, they're old and set in their ways; sure, we had challenging times while I was growing up; sure, there would be good days and not so good days.....
Well, I've done this now for almost 2 years. Fact, it'll be 2 years the first of May. And... now it's happened.
I crashed and burned.
I got to the point where all I did was cry. I thought my wallpaper challenge would help keep me focused on something else other than my complete dread of being at the parentals house. It helped a bit...but when my neck went south, so did my mood. Again. It got to the point that when I got home and Lovee would ask about my day ( as he always does ) all I could do was cry.
Lovee was a rock. The best rock I've ever found. Which is sort of funny because I literally collect rocks where ever we go. Hummm...interesting......
I really didn't know what was going on. I just didn't understand it. I just wanted to sit and veg on the couch or sleep...and then sleep didn't help either. Lovee said he thought I may need some medication to help me through this and possibly talking to a counselor might help. I mulled it over for a day or so....decided to wave my white flag and give it a go. What do I tell the Dr. I asked? What do I say? I can't even talk to Lovee w/o crying....what do I do??????

Lovee called our Dr. and made an appointment for me. He went with me. What happened? I cried. Huge racking sobs. And poor Lovee...I looked at him once and saw his own tears..that made me feel worse and at the same time...so completely and unconditionally loved.
I left there with samples of a depression meds...enough to last 6 weeks...to see if it will work for me before we spend $$ for the meds. Also the name and phone number of a counselor to talk with. The Dr. said the change wouldn't happen over night...it may take a while but to hang in there and give them a go.
It didn't take but a few days before I felt a change. I remember coming home one evening and realized I had a big huge smile on my face when I saw Lovee. The smile stayed.
It's been almost 2 weeks now. I continue to feel differently....more in control....less stressed...
One reason is turning my thought process around too. I realized one day that some how I'd given my 'power' away. I gave it up to my parentals. Why? Not sure...easier I guess...but it hurt me. I've taken it back now.
Have they suffered from it? Not at all! Do they notice? I doubt it. They're blind.
I have noticed that I seem 'compressed'....or perhaps I mean 'repressed'. Both at times. I don't seem to have big joys like I used to...but then again the 'big sorrows' are gone too. I'm sure it'll take time for my body to adjust.
I can wait.

Lovee surprised me again...he decided we needed some time away. Just the 2 of us. This weekend we're going to Branson. It's not far...but we'll have a great time relaxing and doing what ever we want. My beck and call girl duties will be lovingly taken care of by my sunshine gal!!! Lovee arranged that too.

I've always known I'm blessed. But these days, it's in the front of my mind instead of getting pushed to the back recesses of my squishie grape.

Anywho....I haven't read anyone in a while. Still concentrating on .....dare I say it?.....me. I think about all of you...all the time. Is that silly? I find myself wondering what's going on....but I just don't check.... Is that selfish? Probably not....
I heart all of you I read. Seriously.

Fact....I've decided if anyone wants to contact me via email....not rely on the blog...it's fine by me.

So, I'm putting my email out there for all to see.


Guess that gave away my name didn't it ;)
It's ok. I'm not afraid.
I've been saved ;)

Thursday, March 5, 2009

It's WHAT time??????

Woke up at 3 elfing a.m. this morning. A pain in the neck....literally! Ugh!!! I have a cervical collar that I keep in my nightstand. I know....been there before....gotta keep it handy for when the neck decides to betray me. Yesterday was the betrayal day. Must have been the awkward positions I got into...or rather have been getting into lately. What positions and why???? Not the fun stuff I tell ya ;)lol

Well.......I decided the parentals house need updating....so I've been stripping wallpaper . I loathe wallpaper now. LOATHE!!!!!!!!
The paper itself comes off in a snap. The sticky stuff..not so much. Lots of scoring and goop....scrape...goop...scrape.....goop.....
in the Dad's bathroom no less. Obviously not my favorite place to spend my days but it REALLY need updating. Plus...as hard as it is, it's an escape of sorts. And we all know how I love to escape. Even my car, Suzi, is a Ford Escape! lol

Dad uses one of the upstairs bathrooms cuz they don't like to share. (Whatever makes them happy I say) The sitting room off the bath has wallpaper too. Got the paper off that yesterday. Have to score it today. More of the scrape,goop,scrape,goop......my life is full I tell ya.
After the paper is off and the walls are clean I'll paint. NO MORE FUCKING WALLPAPER!!! EVER!!!!!!!!
Then, there's the other bathroom upstairs. Not to mention the halls and stairwell!!! It'll take me months to finish but I'm determined to update that house.
Plus...PLUS..there's carpeting in Dad's bath! I know.....it's soooo gross. One too many accidents have happened in there. Not sure he'll let me take that up.....may have to wait until....they... move?....
Anyway....my neck goes out from time to time. That's why I've got the collar. I hate it but it works. Not to mention the pain pills I put with it. Pain pills are a necessary evil I think.
So, here's how my day is shaping up.
Up at 3....4 Advil + one pain pill= tired. Less pain but now I'm a wee bit loopy.
It's now 7:15 and I'm tired. Can't go back to bed cuz I have to go to the parentals. If I was gainfully employed somewhere I'd call in sick and rest up. If I'm not up to par these days...I have to go in anyway....the parentals say I can rest there; which is true, but I'm still at their beck and call.....resting just doesn't happen at their house.
I'm crabby when I hurt.
Wonder if this happened so I'd be more sympathetic towards the Mom? She's always in pain...takes Morphine and Percocet 4 times a day!.....failed back surgeries. She's a complainer though. She raised sisterlittle and I to NOT complain if we're hurt....Guess she forgot that one...or perhaps it's just too much for her??? Naw....she's an attention whore....seriously.
So, I'll bitch here....on my blob.....get it out of my system....and go on.
That's what I do..... plus....
I'll just escape upstairs......

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Coupons..... really? what the.....hummmm...

People who save $$$$$$$ on coupons baffle me. Seriously. For the life of me I just don't get it. I'm a clipper ; every Sunday, without fail, I find the coupons and clip whatever I think we'll use. I'm almost in the OCD category about it. I actually see it as throwing money away if I don't clip. UGH!! I then put them in my not-so-handy coupon keeper, put them in the car and usually forget to take them into the store with me. :( Geesh!!!!!! I need a bigger purse I think so I can stash them in there and they'll always be with me...
Great!! Now I need to buy a bigger purse.....more $$...............any coupons for Born purses out there?? I saw one online that I LOVE!! ;) lol

I've listened to the shows who have coupon experts on.....read stories on Couponmom.....I just can't figure out how they get stuff for free....or for $.79 that would normally cost $2.89. What am I missing???

Sisterlittle says.....and so do I for that matter that I'm an LD kid at heart. ( learning disabled) but really.........I just don't get it and I want to. I need a tutorial or something. A s...l...o...w...tutorial....so my grape can absorb it all.
Is that so much to ask for?? Is it?? Really????

My grape is really squishie today. Can you tell?
I wonder if there's a coupon for a juicer??

Have a good week :)

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

a small request for my blobbies....

Lovee and I watched a movie last night on HBO. I have no words to describe my feelings through it all. To say I had the dreaded 'throat lump' all the way through it comes close though.

It's called "Taking Chance".

It's a must see even if you do cry and feel horrible....because afterwards you'll feel humble and in awe and you will never be the same. Seriously.

It's a story about a Marine Colonel who volunteers to escort a fallen Marine home and his journey getting there.

I'm a Marine wife. I had one son in the Army and another in the Marines. My brother was killed in 67 in Viet Nam.
I had no clue that there was such a process.
Not a clue.

Please watch it. In my humble opinion it's a must see for the entire country.

Semper Fi

I'm back!!!

Guess what I didn't take to Denver........my camera!!!
OMG!! .......seriously.......I looked all over for it for days before I left and couldn't find the damn thing! SFD!

Had a fabulous flight there and back. Completely surprised myself by being calm. Of course the fact that I had a double 7&7 before each flight probably helped. lol
Denver airport was actually fairly easy to figure out. Did you know they have a 'smoking lounge'...? yep.....used it before I left Monday! ha...imagine that!

When sisterlittle pulled up to get me the first words I said were " Hey skiny bitch"...lol
There was a gal on the curb waiting for her ride who started laughing and said " Your sister?"
I said yep ....she said she says the same thing to her sister. LMAO..........good times.

Had the most fabulous time with her. The party Friday night to celebrate her divorce which was official on thursday...and my arrival was the bestest! She has an amazing group of friends..so supportive and caring and fun and loud when they're drunk. lol....who knew teachers were such partiers?
We shopped and shopped and ate and shopped and talked and talked.........slept a wee bit too. :) Her house is absolutely perfect for her. Exactly her style and since she was an interior designer before she became a teacher.....it's decorated perfectly. LOVE IT!!!

But no pictures.:(
I was going to buy a disposable one but never got around to it. Dammit! We did buy her one but she didn't have time to learn it. :(
Next time.....
We've aleady decided that I'll go back next year for the 'anniversary' party!

Lovee was wonderful to the parentals of course. He got to skip church on Sunday though. He was working on a project and asked if they would skip church so he could finish before I got home and they agreed.
We have a 3 car garage and the 3rd garage side is his workshop.....we've been talking about building a wall so all the wood dust wouldn't fly all over.....and he did! OMG.,.....it's perfect. He's got all his tools....tons of tools and woodworking equipment all organized........wow! He's just amazing.
I sooooo missed him though. I really don't like going places w/o him. I miss him terribly. But......sometimes I gotta. Sisterlittle needed me and I needed to see her. So..........

Anywho, Im officially back.
The washing machine is humming.....pooches are running in and out...HGTV is on the television... the bed's made...bills are paid.....I'm ready to head out to the parentals....uh-O...
Oh shit!!.......I haven't done my paint and spackle yet.....SFD!
Gotta jet..........

I'll try and catch up with everyone later on .....I missed ya'll......;)

P.S. Found the camera the night I got back! It was in my sewingroom! Right where I left it after taking a pic of my Sunshine gal sewing. Imagine that! UGH!....my grape is so grapey at times :)