Thursday, March 19, 2009

MIA...Me???

Thought I'd pop on here for a few minutes and give ya'll a bit of an update. As if you've been wondering.....
Not sure if anyone noticed...probably not...but I've had a wee bit of a struggle going on for a while now. My poor saintly Lovee took the brunt of my struggles....as any adoring and lovable hubs would do.. ;) I've often said that "Lovee saved me"....as I start a story or end one. He did it again. Literally I think.
This caregiver gig I have is without a doubt the hardest thing I've ever taken on in my entire life. When I started it, I was so naive in my thinking I wondered what all the hub-bub was about. How could it be so challenging to take care of parents I wondered. Sure, they're old and set in their ways; sure, we had challenging times while I was growing up; sure, there would be good days and not so good days.....
Well, I've done this now for almost 2 years. Fact, it'll be 2 years the first of May. And... now it's happened.
I crashed and burned.
I got to the point where all I did was cry. I thought my wallpaper challenge would help keep me focused on something else other than my complete dread of being at the parentals house. It helped a bit...but when my neck went south, so did my mood. Again. It got to the point that when I got home and Lovee would ask about my day ( as he always does ) all I could do was cry.
Lovee was a rock. The best rock I've ever found. Which is sort of funny because I literally collect rocks where ever we go. Hummm...interesting......
I really didn't know what was going on. I just didn't understand it. I just wanted to sit and veg on the couch or sleep...and then sleep didn't help either. Lovee said he thought I may need some medication to help me through this and possibly talking to a counselor might help. I mulled it over for a day or so....decided to wave my white flag and give it a go. What do I tell the Dr. I asked? What do I say? I can't even talk to Lovee w/o crying....what do I do??????

Lovee called our Dr. and made an appointment for me. He went with me. What happened? I cried. Huge racking sobs. And poor Lovee...I looked at him once and saw his own tears..that made me feel worse and at the same time...so completely and unconditionally loved.
I left there with samples of a depression meds...enough to last 6 weeks...to see if it will work for me before we spend $$ for the meds. Also the name and phone number of a counselor to talk with. The Dr. said the change wouldn't happen over night...it may take a while but to hang in there and give them a go.
It didn't take but a few days before I felt a change. I remember coming home one evening and realized I had a big huge smile on my face when I saw Lovee. The smile stayed.
It's been almost 2 weeks now. I continue to feel differently....more in control....less stressed...
One reason is turning my thought process around too. I realized one day that some how I'd given my 'power' away. I gave it up to my parentals. Why? Not sure...easier I guess...but it hurt me. I've taken it back now.
Have they suffered from it? Not at all! Do they notice? I doubt it. They're blind.
I have noticed that I seem 'compressed'....or perhaps I mean 'repressed'. Both at times. I don't seem to have big joys like I used to...but then again the 'big sorrows' are gone too. I'm sure it'll take time for my body to adjust.
I can wait.

Lovee surprised me again...he decided we needed some time away. Just the 2 of us. This weekend we're going to Branson. It's not far...but we'll have a great time relaxing and doing what ever we want. My beck and call girl duties will be lovingly taken care of by my sunshine gal!!! Lovee arranged that too.

I've always known I'm blessed. But these days, it's in the front of my mind instead of getting pushed to the back recesses of my squishie grape.

Anywho....I haven't read anyone in a while. Still concentrating on .....dare I say it?.....me. I think about all of you...all the time. Is that silly? I find myself wondering what's going on....but I just don't check.... Is that selfish? Probably not....
I heart all of you I read. Seriously.

Fact....I've decided if anyone wants to contact me via email....not rely on the blog...it's fine by me.

So, I'm putting my email out there for all to see.

terrilady@cccexpress.com

Guess that gave away my name didn't it ;)
It's ok. I'm not afraid.
I've been saved ;)

20 comments:

The Queen said...

The Queen, The Princess and The Ogre Child are all together right now,, and we are sending you all kinds of shiny stuff from Nebraska.. just cause you're worth it..

Huge hugs
Chocolate
and
wine,,
from our hearts to yours..

ETK said...

I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

meno said...

You picked a hard row to hoe. I both admire you and think you are nuts. :)

Enjoy the weekend away.

Gary Rith Pottery Blog said...

ah, TT.....whaddya say we meet ya'll in Branson for a few laughs? OK, I can't make it, but have a great time.

tt said...

queen: I heart you!! thanks....it's just what I needed too!!!! Yummy!!! xo

etk: ditto babe! xo

meno: being nuts is necessary in my line of work :) xo to you too:)

Gary: Wouldn't that have been a blast! Thanks for the thought tho...xo to you and missus tastycakes :)

kcinnova said...

Awww, TT! I'm sorry. Caregiving is TOUGH, no 2 ways about it. I've not done it (yet) but I have friends IRL who have and I know it is a huge challenge and a HUGE gift.

I struggle with depression, and I know that within a short time on meds, things do start looking up. It's hormonal (first time it happened, I was on strong birth control pills) but that doesn't make it easier. You have a wonderful man to take you to the doctor and help you get what you need. I can't imagine caregiving without a counselor to talk to, and my husband doesn't want me to go off my anti-depressants. I turn all negative and angry when I forget to take them. EVERYONE notices the change.

Hang in there. As my dh says, "Better living through chemicals!"

Farmer*swife said...

Awwwww, bless your heart! So glad your Lovee is so great and understanding and supportive....

Hang in there. And, you can't think that you are weak because you are having difficulty. You are doing a difficult job -- and that's because you are so strong.

Have a great get-away! ;-)

Jen said...

Awww, TT. . . life just likes to throw us a curve ball every once in a while. Just to let us know it never gives us more than we can handle even if it may seem like we can't.

Thank goodness Lovee is there to help and more importantly love you. Everyone needs a Lovee!

I'm glad you're feeling better. Have a great weekend - you deserve it!

Anonymous said...

I'm thinking of you, have a great time in branson, family and i had a blast there. Oh i get to go home this weekend for 3 weeks, cant wait to see the boys and my most beautifull bride. Love ya, squiddley.

fiwa said...

Your Lovee is a stand up kinda guy! I'm so happy for you that you have that kind of support to fall back on when times are tough. Smart man to take you to the dr. - and I'm glad you are feeling better.

Take care of you.
hugs,
fiwa

Dana said...

Wow! I've always been amazed at your ability to take on the responsibility of caring for your parents. It *is* an amazing and loving gift to them. I'm sorry to hear that you had to come crashing down like you did, but hope that you'll find some balance.

Diane J Standiford said...

Just stay sweet and sour. Sorry, I can't ditch your blog.

CheekyMonkey said...

:) It was SOOOOOO awesome to talk to you the other day. So completely made my day. Thanks for checkin in with me suga. Miss you tons and love you even more!!!
Mwahh!!

Dez said...

Aw tt, don't you worry about reading blogs... you've too much on your plate already.
I admire you so much for taking care of the parentals. Thank goodness you have Lovee. I'm glad he's there for you.
I've been on depression meds for 3 yrs now, they have helped me thru a rough time. I hope they do the same for you. Glad you're getting help for YOU. God Bless you.
PS: HAVE FUN ON YOUR TRIP!

Angie said...

Oh how I can relate I saw my mom travel this path...I send my hugs and hope that day to day will continue to get better.

Real Live Lesbian said...

Hang in there sweetie! You're missed!!!!

Brad said...

Ah sweetie - I'm so sorry things got so bad for you! - And sorry I have'nt been around. I hope your doing better!

Love you!

B

Dana said...

Looking through my reader today and realized it had been quite some time since we last heard from you. I hope all is well and that you are taking care of YOU for a change!

Farmer*swife said...

Just checkin in on you! ;-)

Diane J Standiford said...

Happy Easter to you and yours!!