Monday, November 10, 2008

More grape squishers + incoherant thoughts..

I am a lover of words. Which causes me distress at times. I can sometimes write what I'm feeling but rarely can I verbalize it. When I write my feelings, I'm often at a loss for the correct word I'm needing to convey my thoughts so I can be completely understood. And of course, there are the times when I want to 'tell' someone what's in my grape at that moment and the words are there, but my tear ducts engage and I get that dreaded throat lump and all I can do is....cry. So the moment is gone, in a mess of tears, and I leave whomever I was wanting to talk to with a puzzled look on their face and wondering what's wrong with TT.
So, I get all these jumbled up thoughts running around my grape, reeking havoc in the 'storage rooms' I've created, wondering how I'm going to tell people what's going on in there while not being able to verbalize it and melting into a messy puddle if I try and say it out loud.
I read a story in the October issue of 'O' magazine that touched me deep to my core. I started to tell Lovee about it...but i couldn't. Those damn tear ducts and the throat lump showed up. I found the article on the authors blog and saved it to my Favs. She writes of the big 'C' and it's effects on her and her family; her little girls and a birthday party that MUST uplifting actually. But it was the way she wrote it all that touched me. She's a lover of words too I think. It's almost like she can say......2+2=4 but when I do it...2+2=41/2. Silly analogy but it works for me.
Anyway, if anyone feels like reading the story you can find it right here.
The Mom had a procedure Thursday. Shots in her spine to help with her pain. UGH! She did very well, but they decided to change her meds again. I'm thinking that wasn't a good plan considering she's been feeling like road kill ever since. I felt awful not being able to do something to ease her pain and feeling of unwellness. AWFUL! I'm their security blanket they say; I'm their 'go-to-girl they say; I'm their beck and call girl; I'm......feeling like I've failed. I know I haven't. I didn't change her meds. I'm not a miracle worker. I'm just their daughter, but they look to me with such hope and security. Breaks my heart.
I did something I probably shouldn't have done. I'll admit to it and own it. Completely. I took her new meds and put them away and put her back on the old ones. All this before I can even consult her Doctor.
I called her a few minutes ago to tell her I've left a message on the Nurse line at the Dr.s office and she told me she's feeling better. The old meds are back and she's better. I'm thinking Alleluia.....but at the same time, second guessing myself. I'm a mess. Second guessing is what I do best.
More on this later.
Sisterlittle is going through a tough time now. My heart is so heavy for her I wonder how I'm able to carry it around. So she's in my thoughts every hour of the day. I love her awful!
That's it for now.
Grape is squished a bit ...made room for other nonsencical stuff.....and that's a good thing.


Gary Rith Pottery Blog said...

wow, goodness, you have a mighty big heart TT and you're carrying a lot on your shoulders, aren't you?

Ginni said...

I can't read big "C" articles right now...especially tear jerker ones. I've been working on NOT crying and I'm getting pretty good at it, finally!

I know the feeling of not being able to help our old parents the way we'd like to. My dad does pretty well but sometimes that deer-in-the-headlights look on his face when he knows he can't remember just breaks my heart!

I know about tough times. And if your sister is anything like you, she'll be fine.

Dana said...

Thoughts and prayers are with your sister, and you too as you carry around that heavy heart!

tt said...

Gary: it is what it is...right?

Ginni: I know babe...I actually though about you and thought you may not be able to read it. that's ok....Forward looking is your future...shiney things are good :)My Dad doing his 'loops' is a total heartbreaker. He did that all day yesterday telling me he didn't know what to do. ;(
Sisterlittle is a tough cookie....and she'll be fine eventually. I just wish I could find a magic wand and fix it.

tt said...

dana: Heavy heart is lifting...thanks! I'm sending you some shiney stuff to carry in your purse ;)

The Real Life Fairy Tale Princess said...

Darling, you take care of her and those meds, and if you think something is wrong you need to take action and let them know. Having the wrong type of meds sort of messed my Dad up and definately made things worse. Doc doesn't see them everyday and you do. If he still thinks she needs to be on those meds he'll let you know why and you can get a 2nd opinion if you think he's wrong!!
Take care of them!!

tt said...


Anonymous said...

You do what you must do... I don't blame you one iota for changing your mom back to her original meds that were working fine! I hope the doctor agrees.
Hang in there!! You haven't failed. (You already know that!) You are doing the best you can and being a huge blessing to your parents.