Friday, October 5, 2007

Mom and her moods.......grrrrrrrrrrr

Ya know, I have alot of different moods. We all do to some extent. But it seems to me that my Mother has cornered the market on mood fluctuations. Seriously. It boggles my mind sometimes. She is possibly the most consistantly unhappy person I've ever known. I'm sure these days her meds could be a contributing factor as could her age. But I also think that day to day life feelings can be controlled, somewhat, by your mental attitude. One can choose to be down or up. As I've said, there are alot of factors that go into how a person views their world.
That being said, if you have consistantly said that a certain person makes you feel more secure and generally happier when they are around, then why not let that feeling surround you when they are with you???
There are some days when you'd think I was just learning to cook and clean and drive. Here are some of the comments and questions I get on a weekly basis...
Did you salt the water for the spaghetti?
Did you turn the oven on for the bread?
I don't do it that way.
I only want a half glass of milk; not 3/4, not 1/3,only half.
That's a different way of doing it (followed by a heavy sigh)
Well, I guess it's alright if you do it that way, I don't though.

That's just a wee sample.

Don't put those [clean] clothes up yet; I let them hang there for a day to make sure they're not damp.
Those don't go there. Put them in here..( a couple inches left)
Are you going to change lanes?
Is there something wrong w/ your right hand? It's not on the steering wheel.
You sure are fast; did you clean everything?
I cook mine longer
I don't like you to drive fast ( uhm, the speed limit is 40 and I'm doing 35)

And of course the best one..."I like the way I do it better"

Let me tell ya, there are days when I want to let loose and scream.."Go the f**k ahead and do it then, I don't give a s**t!'
But I don't. I just do alot of deep breatheing.
Sisterlittle tells me I need to call her on some of this stuff. She's right of course. But my mind goes tumbleing back to the days of yore and all the fits she would throw and the days when she would take to her room for days on end and shut us all out. That usually was when she was overwhelmed w/ depression or didn't get her way...I think. Come to think of it, while doing their meds on Tuesday ( as always) I asked her what one of the pills was for and she said depression. I looked at her in surprise and said" You're depressed?" She said " I'm always depressed, I know I shouldn't be but I am".
Ohh....ok.....I say.........".I thought you said things were so much better with me here"
" They are but I still get depressed"
"Maybe you could try looking for bright spots to be thankful for"
" Don't lecture me tt"
End of discussion. Period.

I wish I could remember what she said yesterday, but she hinted that she thought I might be a bit "slow"...not in speed either. I must be since I can't remember what it was she actually said! She does say every now and then.." Well, your sister has a college education". To which I usually reply" Yes she does, she was always good in school wasn't she....I always envied her for that, but silly me, I decided to marry the man of my dreams and move all over the world."
"Yes you did, you were always very always wanted to do whatever I didn't want you to do."

I once asked her how come she never took Dance away from me whenever I got in trouble. I was always grounded from the phone or grounded to the yard or couldn't go play or had to stay in my room...but she never took my dance lessons away. Well, she said, " It was the only thing you were good at". Ooohhhhhhhh. Well thanks for that ...I think.

I guess I'm going to have to find a way to reply to her whenever she's being....geesh I don't even know what to cal it....uh.......well, Mom I guess. I need to confront her in a way that doesn't let her get away w/ some of the b/s she says. I know it's late in the game for doing this, but I think my sanity demands it.

Another thing that I've discovered about the Mom is, I think she has OCD. Not the ritual of having to wash her hands all the time or do something 5 times before she can move on to something else. Not that kind. Hers is all about change. If her routine gets out of whack..Katy bar the door!!!!!!!! Her day is shot. Her mood does a not so graceful swan dive into the black tarry pits of self pity. She becomes totally discombobulated and gets real antsy. Of course her lips get that thin line and she does this thing with her hands ( which defies explanation). Her routine has been off quite a bit the last week or so because of appointments and errands. Plus, I have had a little bit of time off....which she says she's glad about, but you know ,deep down she hates it. She plans out exactly how her day will go first thing every morning. If it gets a bit off track she panics. Isn't that a form of OCD?

I'm really looking forward to Lovee's and my vacation next summer but, my poor Sisterlittle will probably bear the brunt of Mon's selfishness. Sister says everything she'll do will be compared to me and she won't do anything right. That's probably true. Mom is like that. I hate that she will have to go through that. But I'm sooooooooooooooo looking forward to the time off. Unfortunately, that will be Sisterlittle's vacation. The rest of her time off from teaching will be spent getting ready for the new school year or doing her Master's stuff.

Guess I'll have to figure out a way to tell the Mom to behave while I'm gone.

Ugh!!!!!!!! Please tell me I won't be like this when I'm old!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Thanks for the vent. :)


ETK said...

God, I don't know how you do it.
Couple of things:
I really really really agree with you and support you that you need to find a nice, calm way to let her know that she can not say mean things to you. That she can not tell you how to do everything (because it's condescending), and that you deserve her love and respect. BECAUSE YOU DO AND SHE CAN'T.

I haven't really known how to say this, although I've tried. I know you want to make them feel like this is a picnic for you and not have them feel like a burden whatsoever. I know that.

BUT - I really really believe that you can draw your boundaries and make it clear that they are not a burden at the same time. I really really reallly (one more - really) think you can do this. I think (like you said), for your sanity, you NEED to.

I think your mom needs a sit down talking to.

I also think (look at me, all opinionated here), that you should talk to her doc about her meds. Depression is not something that most people can "just look at the bright side" and get over. Some people need meds. They need the RIGHT meds. I would bet (clearly, not being trained in the medical profession WHATSOEVER) that what you call OCD (I have no idea if that's OCD or something else), is a medical/chemical imbalance and that it could be helped (or worsened) by her current meds. You, as the primary caregiver, should absolutely speak with her doctor about it.


{getting off the soap box}

There, I feel so much better. You? Now, most importantly - I love you AWFUL! I want you to be happy and I don't want you surrounded by such negativity. You are such a happy positive person (HELLO - you sing the GOOD MORNING SONG!!) and I want you to stay that way (I, too, am quite selfish).

I love you! And, remember, you are such a great, strong, wonderful woman, who loves and cares for her parents so much. You have a great support system. We all love you to millions and millions of pieces.

Anonymous said...

everything she said PLUS!
Let her do her whole "go to her room for the weekend and pout" routine. Maybe she needs it. You could certainly use the break.

Speaking of didn't mention my idea so I will:
Terri needs to break her leg, and it has to be the right one so she can't drive. Then the mother will have to hire someone -temporarily- at more money for fewer hours. Maybe she will appreciate you more. And, you would get a much needed break.
Break...key word.
Terri, you've always been the one who could put the mother in her place. Don't back down now. No one. I repeat NO ONE will think poorly of you. We have all had a taste of her tongue. Crap, the grocery clerk, the waitress, the shoe salesman, her doctors, neighbors, (former) friends, have all had a taste.
And so what if she cries, she's made us cry plenty. Still does.

God, shoot us if we get like her.
I live in fear...