Wednesday, January 20, 2010

here squishie squishie...

need to squish a bit.
Probably random incoherent thoughts will surface. That's OK. It's my blog and I'll be incoherent and indecisive if I want.

So, it's been 4 freaking months since the rents moved in with Lovee and I. 4 frustrating,glorious,maddening,tiring,blessed months. So many emotions. It's hard to count them all.
What happens to older ppl( the parentals ) who just give up or can't do anything ? They sit in front of the fireplace, snuggies ( of course ) on, drifting in and out of sleep like a bump on a pickle....for hours at a time. When they do wake or stir it's to call me...the beck and call girl do whatever it is they need. Take Dad to the bathroom ( and all that involves )...get them some coffee...dress the Dad...put on the Mom's shock and shoes ...fasten her bra....fix her hair...give Dad a shower...dole out the list goes on and on. There is no end.

My life.
That's just the way it is.
I'm doing Gods work. I see that.
But at the same time....I actually feel as if my life may stay this way. I can't dream my way into Lovee's and my future anymore. I'm stuck in the here and now. Never was that way before. I miss it.
I miss lots of stuff.
I want to rebel........I want to throw myself on the ground and throw a huge hissy fit...I want to go...anywhere...w/o telling anyone where I'm going or when I'll be back.'s freedom I'm missing I think.

An 'Aha' moment just flashed me. Any flash is better than no flash I guess.
I miss me. I miss the way things were. I hate pity parties - whatever.

Dad's Dementia is getting worse by the day. I thought he looped it happens every 2 minutes or so. He has absolutely no idea how to shower...brush his teeth...what order to put clothes on or off...what to eat....nothing...unless I tell him. Sad. So, so sad.
The Mom is.........well, I think she may be developing Alzheimer's. That's my gut talking..
I think Dementia is a nicer dimension the the Alz. Alz can be very mean. In my case anyway.

Maybe it's just how their personalities were before. Dad the jovial happy guy...Mom the dour, pessimistic nagger.

I miss having friends to go places with. Most of my friends were from work. Those kind of friends fade when you no longer work together. Some friends only call when they want something....I don't like that, but I talk to them to lessen my loneliness...then hang up and swear to myself that I won't do it again....but I do. :(
Lovee is still my hero. I'd be 6 feet under right now if he weren't with me. Seriously.
I'm doing something my mind really can't get a grip on....i know it's the right thing to do...but I miss life.

gotta go fold the laundry and take the rents for a walk's nice today.