Thursday, March 31, 2011

March 11,2011

Mom woke Lovee and I up a wee bit after midnight..."Daddy's gone"....that's all I heard as I jumped out of bed and ran into their room.

I had given him his meds a bit after 9....pulled the covers up snuggly around him....stroked his head and kissed him goodnight.  I told him I was going to bed; that Mom was sleeping; that Lovee would be back in to give him some more medicine in a couple hours; that I  loved him and hoped he had sweet dreams and slept tight....and that I'd see him in the morning.

sometime btw then and midnight he left us.
It had been Mom's wish that he would make his journey on March 11.  That way she'd only have one date to brother's and daddy's. His last gift to her....was the date.

The service was so nice.  I've never attended a funeral where ppl laughed so much.  He would have liked that.  He was such a kidder and jokster.  My sweet, sweet Lovee wrote and delivered the eulogy. Dad had told sisterlittle and I years ago that he thought it'd be nice if she and I could say something nice abt him at his funeral....fat chance of that we thought.. :)
Lovee did it for us.  He struggled at times but got through it with such love.
Our pastor did a tremendous job...she was so so fond of dad and he thought the world of her.  She often came to visit him and he would always perk up whenever she walked through the door. 
So glad she was able to officiate at the funeral.

We saw people at the chapel we hadn't seen in years....interesting I thought.  Dad's old golf buddies from wayyy back...friends they hadn't seen in years...friends I hadn't seen in years....
Made me start thinking again...
I decided not to pursue that any more...not worth it.  I was at peace with everyone and everything.

I still don't know how to do this....but I'm learning.
I'm giving myself time....
feeling tremendously blessed and grateful for having the honor to care for him.
He's whole now.  No glasses are needed...he can confusion....he's young again.  Peacefully.

I love you Daddy.
Have sweet dreams and sleep tight

Monday, March 7, 2011

i don't know how to do this

i've never seen a class offered on how to say goodbye to parents.  How am I supposed to say goodbye to my precious daddy?  it's so final. he's sleeping. Can he hear me? can he feel me holding his hand?? washing his face?? has he heard me tell him it's ok to 'go home'? will his dementia let him understand it?
Days,.... the Hospice nurse said.  Days.  ever thought abt that? Days come and go without us even realizing it sometimes...sometimes it seems like they take forever to go by....time is relative isn't it?  i need more time.  Selfishly I want more time....
but there's pain involved....a terrible wasting away....he can't eat...can't drink....can't talk....the only sounds out of him these 'days' are moans.  But because he can't communicate we don't know what they mean....ugh...
So I pray....and pray....and pray some more.......
then i remember to breathe....i try to match my breatheing with his....can''s too shallow.... precious and loving Lovee....he's hurting in this too.  He never got to tell his parents goodbye.....
He's hyper-vigilent with Dad now.  Sitting by his bedside...holding his hand...pulling the covers up around him....coz daddy hates to be cold...he covers him....drops the liquid pain meds in his mouth  at the right time....never letting too much time go suffering for his precious father inlaw....he's there for him.  Always has been...and will be till the end.
Lovee and i are taking shifts....making sure the meds stay in him round the clock.
but still...I don't know how to do this!!!

in a few 'days' i'll learn tho won't I?  whether or not I want to....i'll learn.  Because i'll have to do it again one day.. the mom is still with us. 
Losing the love of her life of 60 years.  I don't think she knows how to do this either.
WE'll all learn together.

We'll get by with a little help from our friends.....isn't that how it's supposed to go?