Thursday, March 19, 2009


Thought I'd pop on here for a few minutes and give ya'll a bit of an update. As if you've been wondering.....
Not sure if anyone noticed...probably not...but I've had a wee bit of a struggle going on for a while now. My poor saintly Lovee took the brunt of my any adoring and lovable hubs would do.. ;) I've often said that "Lovee saved me" I start a story or end one. He did it again. Literally I think.
This caregiver gig I have is without a doubt the hardest thing I've ever taken on in my entire life. When I started it, I was so naive in my thinking I wondered what all the hub-bub was about. How could it be so challenging to take care of parents I wondered. Sure, they're old and set in their ways; sure, we had challenging times while I was growing up; sure, there would be good days and not so good days.....
Well, I've done this now for almost 2 years. Fact, it'll be 2 years the first of May. And... now it's happened.
I crashed and burned.
I got to the point where all I did was cry. I thought my wallpaper challenge would help keep me focused on something else other than my complete dread of being at the parentals house. It helped a bit...but when my neck went south, so did my mood. Again. It got to the point that when I got home and Lovee would ask about my day ( as he always does ) all I could do was cry.
Lovee was a rock. The best rock I've ever found. Which is sort of funny because I literally collect rocks where ever we go. Hummm...interesting......
I really didn't know what was going on. I just didn't understand it. I just wanted to sit and veg on the couch or sleep...and then sleep didn't help either. Lovee said he thought I may need some medication to help me through this and possibly talking to a counselor might help. I mulled it over for a day or so....decided to wave my white flag and give it a go. What do I tell the Dr. I asked? What do I say? I can't even talk to Lovee w/o crying....what do I do??????

Lovee called our Dr. and made an appointment for me. He went with me. What happened? I cried. Huge racking sobs. And poor Lovee...I looked at him once and saw his own tears..that made me feel worse and at the same completely and unconditionally loved.
I left there with samples of a depression meds...enough to last 6 see if it will work for me before we spend $$ for the meds. Also the name and phone number of a counselor to talk with. The Dr. said the change wouldn't happen over may take a while but to hang in there and give them a go.
It didn't take but a few days before I felt a change. I remember coming home one evening and realized I had a big huge smile on my face when I saw Lovee. The smile stayed.
It's been almost 2 weeks now. I continue to feel differently....more in control....less stressed...
One reason is turning my thought process around too. I realized one day that some how I'd given my 'power' away. I gave it up to my parentals. Why? Not sure...easier I guess...but it hurt me. I've taken it back now.
Have they suffered from it? Not at all! Do they notice? I doubt it. They're blind.
I have noticed that I seem 'compressed'....or perhaps I mean 'repressed'. Both at times. I don't seem to have big joys like I used to...but then again the 'big sorrows' are gone too. I'm sure it'll take time for my body to adjust.
I can wait.

Lovee surprised me again...he decided we needed some time away. Just the 2 of us. This weekend we're going to Branson. It's not far...but we'll have a great time relaxing and doing what ever we want. My beck and call girl duties will be lovingly taken care of by my sunshine gal!!! Lovee arranged that too.

I've always known I'm blessed. But these days, it's in the front of my mind instead of getting pushed to the back recesses of my squishie grape.

Anywho....I haven't read anyone in a while. Still concentrating on .....dare I say it? I think about all of you...all the time. Is that silly? I find myself wondering what's going on....but I just don't check.... Is that selfish? Probably not....
I heart all of you I read. Seriously.

Fact....I've decided if anyone wants to contact me via email....not rely on the's fine by me.

So, I'm putting my email out there for all to see.

Guess that gave away my name didn't it ;)
It's ok. I'm not afraid.
I've been saved ;)

Thursday, March 5, 2009

It's WHAT time??????

Woke up at 3 elfing a.m. this morning. A pain in the neck....literally! Ugh!!! I have a cervical collar that I keep in my nightstand. I know....been there before....gotta keep it handy for when the neck decides to betray me. Yesterday was the betrayal day. Must have been the awkward positions I got into...or rather have been getting into lately. What positions and why???? Not the fun stuff I tell ya ;)lol

Well.......I decided the parentals house need I've been stripping wallpaper . I loathe wallpaper now. LOATHE!!!!!!!!
The paper itself comes off in a snap. The sticky stuff..not so much. Lots of scoring and goop....scrape...goop...scrape.....goop.....
in the Dad's bathroom no less. Obviously not my favorite place to spend my days but it REALLY need updating. hard as it is, it's an escape of sorts. And we all know how I love to escape. Even my car, Suzi, is a Ford Escape! lol

Dad uses one of the upstairs bathrooms cuz they don't like to share. (Whatever makes them happy I say) The sitting room off the bath has wallpaper too. Got the paper off that yesterday. Have to score it today. More of the scrape,goop,scrape, life is full I tell ya.
After the paper is off and the walls are clean I'll paint. NO MORE FUCKING WALLPAPER!!! EVER!!!!!!!!
Then, there's the other bathroom upstairs. Not to mention the halls and stairwell!!! It'll take me months to finish but I'm determined to update that house.
Plus...PLUS..there's carpeting in Dad's bath! I's soooo gross. One too many accidents have happened in there. Not sure he'll let me take that up.....may have to wait until....they... move?.... neck goes out from time to time. That's why I've got the collar. I hate it but it works. Not to mention the pain pills I put with it. Pain pills are a necessary evil I think.
So, here's how my day is shaping up.
Up at 3....4 Advil + one pain pill= tired. Less pain but now I'm a wee bit loopy.
It's now 7:15 and I'm tired. Can't go back to bed cuz I have to go to the parentals. If I was gainfully employed somewhere I'd call in sick and rest up. If I'm not up to par these days...I have to go in anyway....the parentals say I can rest there; which is true, but I'm still at their beck and call.....resting just doesn't happen at their house.
I'm crabby when I hurt.
Wonder if this happened so I'd be more sympathetic towards the Mom? She's always in pain...takes Morphine and Percocet 4 times a day!.....failed back surgeries. She's a complainer though. She raised sisterlittle and I to NOT complain if we're hurt....Guess she forgot that one...or perhaps it's just too much for her??? Naw....she's an attention whore....seriously.
So, I'll bitch here....on my blob.....get it out of my system....and go on.
That's what I do..... plus....
I'll just escape upstairs......

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Coupons..... really? what the.....hummmm...

People who save $$$$$$$ on coupons baffle me. Seriously. For the life of me I just don't get it. I'm a clipper ; every Sunday, without fail, I find the coupons and clip whatever I think we'll use. I'm almost in the OCD category about it. I actually see it as throwing money away if I don't clip. UGH!! I then put them in my not-so-handy coupon keeper, put them in the car and usually forget to take them into the store with me. :( Geesh!!!!!! I need a bigger purse I think so I can stash them in there and they'll always be with me...
Great!! Now I need to buy a bigger purse.....more $$...............any coupons for Born purses out there?? I saw one online that I LOVE!! ;) lol

I've listened to the shows who have coupon experts stories on Couponmom.....I just can't figure out how they get stuff for free....or for $.79 that would normally cost $2.89. What am I missing???

Sisterlittle says.....and so do I for that matter that I'm an LD kid at heart. ( learning disabled) but really.........I just don't get it and I want to. I need a tutorial or something. A my grape can absorb it all.
Is that so much to ask for?? Is it?? Really????

My grape is really squishie today. Can you tell?
I wonder if there's a coupon for a juicer??

Have a good week :)