Thursday, January 31, 2008

A simple thought...

it does not mean to be in a place
where there is no noise,
trouble or hard work,
it means to be in the midst of those things
and still be calm
in your heart.

Thought provoking, yes?

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Oh...and one other thing....

Now that Dad is doing better guess what the Mom said ?
She wants her hip replaced........( um, ok)
and soon............(uh, soon?)
and will I stay with the Dad while she's in the hospital...............( of soon?)
We'll see..........

Ahhh, the joys of being a Beck and call girl

Can I get a big ol' AMEN!!!

So, this morning when I got to the parentals house, I walk in and holler " It's boogers". That's my intro so they'll know who's coming in the door and don't get scared. Usually the Mom answers " Ok, boogers" and then I sit and we chat for a while before we get down to doing whatever it is we're going to do that day. Well, after Mom said her speel, what did I hear? Dad!!! Clear as a bell...." who said she wasn't coming today.." I rushed in to the den and there he was, reading the paper like nothing was ever wrong!! Seriously!!!! I asked him how he was feeling and he said " pretty good" and then he chuckled...put the paper down, got up and walked into the kitchen and brought back a glass of water, sat it down on his side table, sat down and said "How was the drive down..was 169 ( hwy) busy?" Completely blew me away!! It was the *&@#! medicine!!!!!!

There was a wee tremor in his hands but by the end of the day even that was gone. He didn't sleep all day...his pawpaw shuffle was better.... he was alert...he was just all around better. WE drove to the mall for our daily walk and he said just to be safe he's just sit and watch. He didn't though. He walked one lap.; not the three us usually would do but he did one! So I called his Dr. this afternoon and relayed all the need to see the Neurologist if his symptoms stay gone for the rest of the week!!
I can't believe we've been poisoning his system for the last month and a half!! He was so miserable with those freakin' Shingles....the Dr. gave him Lyrica to treat the residual pain he had....Sheesh!! He said he wasn't feeling worse not having the meds today so...maybe he'll be fine without it.
Can you believe it?!!
I can't begin to tell you how excited I am. Sisterlittle and I are such Daddy's girls. It's ridiculous actually. But that's us.

When Lovee went down there last night to make sure he wouldn't go upstairs without me being was hard. I was mentally pooped so I stayed here. As I've said before, Lovee is soooo good with them. Lovee went upstairs w/ him to get some things and stayed and chatted with them for an hour or so. They talked about that today. How he's so good to them and stuff. Well, yeah.......that's my Lovee......that's what he does...he loves us....... duh.... :)

so I'll be resting a lot better tonight.

thanks ETK...

She's so good to me. She put my one and only EVER award on my blog for me. I'm so honored by this. Really! So many people out there in the blogsphere zone have had an impact on me, it's nice to know I can be of service to someone too. There are a lot of very large hearts out there waiting to be shared.
Kinda gives me a warm fuzzy feeling.
Uh-o...........dammit...that was the dog!
Still true tho.....................:)

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

More sads....

I'm tired again so long story goes into short story.
It's possible my Dad has Parkinson's disease. I've got to get him an appt. with the Neurologist tomorrow to be checked out, but his PC doctor thinks it may be. He took him off some meds that can have side effects that mimic Parkinson's......I hope that's all it is. Lovee is down there right now moving his stuff from the upstairs bathroom to the down stairs one. ( Another long story there.......Ridiculous actually) Why in God's name are elderly ppl so damn stubborn??? I was sick at the thought of my Dad going up those himself......we could picture him laying in a crumpled heap at the bottom...with a broken neck or worse...DEAD.....come on now parents........think!!!!! I know his thought process is whacked because of the Dementia but, Mom.........think about it! He's the 'herky-jerky' man today.......he's all over the place......he's throwing up......stumbling around.......doing the pawpaw shuffle. And ya'll think it's ok for him to go upstairs BY-HIMSELF??????? I don't think so. Neither does Lovee and sisterlittle. Dad ASKED me this morning to go with him up those same damn stairs so he could get dressed. I had my hands in the small of his back to steady him and get him the rest of the way up before we even got to the top. Geesh!!!!!!

more later.......

I'm blushing.....

I got an award today from an Awsome guy! How cool is that? It's the Biggest Heart Award!
I've never won anything in my life.
I'd put the really cool puffy-cloud-heart thingie on my blog but I'm too technology challenged to know how so.......pfft.
Thanks Reh...........what a guy!

Ummmm, about that massage....

I should tell you about another massage I had. Actually I've had 3. Only 3 in my whole life. One was when Lovee whisked us away for a surprise weekend to Shangri-la several years ago. Seriously, that's the name of it. Anyway, he booked me a massage but I was really apprehensive. I mean, what do they do? what do I do? I take off what?? And she does what??? He went in the Hot tub while I was getting rubbed. OMG!!!! What an experience that was. I actually fell asleep for a few minutes after the gal told me I could get dressed. How embarrassing! I walked out and Lovee had a big ol' grin on his face and asked me to join him in the hot tub. Which I did...ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

The other was from ETK. You know how I love my ETK! She and Baby and Alli and Pups were here for Christmas a couple years ago. It was a great time...I loved every minute second of it. We went to a winery and had a few tastes of Oklahoma wines. Who knew they grow that stuff here??!!
The sad part of that visit was that my most favorite Uncle died a couple days before Christmas. Total bummer.
But ETK went out and found a place and got me a gift cert. for a massage. I saved it for a special occasion. Little did I know that I would end up quitting my job to take care of my parents later on. I'm not sure, but I don't think I ever told her that I did get my massage. It was great!! I used it during one of my more stressed out times just before this Christmas. It totally did the trick. And the other day was 3. How did I ever get along before ETK came into our lives??? Not sure I did......
Thanks babe! Love you!

Gonna be sly......

So, yesterday I had the whole day off! That's 2 Mondays in a row. It's the little things with me. :)
So, Lovee and I decided to go to a movie. I wanted to see Mad Money for the laughs. I'm a big fan of laughter ya know...keep the spirits up releases endorphins and stuff....
Anyway, we decide to go to a matinee in a little town close to us. I also decided that since it's so expensive to buy the popcorn and soda's there that I'd pull a fast one and take our own. I've got a big purse that will hold at least 2 bags of microwave popcorn and a couple cans of soda. Lovee looked at me like I was nuts or something. "What?" I said. " Are you afraid the popcorn police will show up and confiscate our goodies?" He just shook his head and snickered and mumbled something about " go ahead...we'll see."
So, I pop the corn and get our drinks all situated in the purse ( which,btw, Sisterlittle calls it the P.P. for perfect purse...that's another story...she bought it for me one Christmas) and off we go. Lovee snickers every now and then whenever he gets a glimpse of the purse-stash. I'm thinking, what's the big deal? You can't tell what's in there. No one is going to ask to check my purse. They never have before. I'm all excited just thinking about pulling a caper; glad to be going to the movie but the caper we're gonna pull off giggles me.
So, we get to the movie house and guess what? It's CLOSED!!!!! HUH!!!!!!! Yep, no lights on anywhere. WTF-over? Lovee said, through his snickers, that he guessed there aren't any matinees during the week....we didn't think that through I guess. caper! No slyness! No trying to pull a fast one. I think he was relieved a bit. I laughed so hard at the ridiculousness of it. So we went to the video store and rented a couple movies. I mean, we had all the other stuff, might as well watch something. So, we rented 2 we haven't seen. One was Good Luck Chuck which was stupid-silly-funny just for laughs and the other was Oceans 13. We didn't make it through Oceans 13. We'll have to finish that tonight.
I was soooo close too. I'm still going to try it someday. Anyone ever done that before? Was I wrong?? I think Lovee kind of thinks so. He's a really by-the-book kinda guy. He would have been mortified if someone found us out!
It giggled me tho.........

Sunday, January 27, 2008


I had the most wonderful experience yesterday. It was a massage but not just any massage. It was done with her feet!!! If you look here you can read about it! I can't say enough about it!! I was a bit sore this morning but it went away and I feel better than I have in weeks!!!
I was a total noodle when it was all over. Seriously! Serenity Spa rocks!!!

Friday, January 25, 2008

More ponders....and grape juice squishers...

Here's a few things that got squished from the grape today. Actually I was thinking about a couple questions I asked Lovee before we got married. ( which was eons ago btw) Silly ones at the time but I've always remembered them and the answers.
One you think you'd ever tell me to loose weight? His answer was that if I ever reached 300, we might sit down and have a wee talk about it. That was a good answer I thought.
The other one was...will you love me if you ever see me w/o my makeup? His answer was that I'm so beautiful, I don't even need it in the first place. That was the best answer ever.

So, I started thinking about other things. Nonsensical stuff of course. But here's a little list of what I should have asked him.
Would he still love me when or if......
1. I had age spots the size of 200 freckles that had grown together?
2. My belly hung over my hoo-ha?
3. My boobs kept getting caught in my waist band?
4. the lines in my face captured all my paint and spackle?
5. High heels were replaced by orthopedics?
6. Bikini's were replaced by capri's and a XL t-shirt?
7. the natural 'hi-lites' in my hair were gray?
8. my butt sat down looooong before I did?
9. bifocals replaced some cool Ray Bans?
10. A hearing aid replaced what was lost?
11. I got a shiny spot on my head instead of hair?

I'm sure I know how he would have answered all of these. And a wrong answer wouldn't have kept me from marrying him. After all, we knew each other so well before we got married. Engaged after 3 or 4 days, dated for 1 month before he went to Boot camp for 3 months, then married 4 days after his graduation . Yeah, we didn't know anything for sure. Except one thing. That we loved each other. That's it.....we took everything else for granted; that things would just somehow miraculously work out and fall into place. And, it did.

When you're young, the wrapping on the present is all shiny and new and crisp. You assume that what's inside is going to be the same. And will always be the same.

And when you get older, there are lots of ways to embellish the present so it has an acceptable look to it. But once that wrapping comes's a crap shoot as to what you'll see.

But, here's the best part. He knows it's the 'gift' inside the wrapper that's the best part. He's always known that. He wouldn't care if it were warped,wrinkled, cracked,tarnished or broken. Because that's not what he would see. He would just see the 'gift'. How lucky am I? I can't even begin to say......

Needless to say, I'm feeling very grateful for my sweetie. And I just wanted to share that.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Good Morning!

It's amazing what a good night's sleep can do to restore the your spirit!
I'm ready to tackle whatever the day brings. I'll print out an update so the Dad can see where the clean up crews are for the ice storm debris. ( it's rediculous how much is still out there...almost everyone has at least one tree, chopped up and in their yard waiting for removal. That's all you see when you drive through town or the neighborhoods) I'll do my dry cleaning that didn't get done yesterday due to so many errands and Dr. appointments. I'll take the Mom to a church Circle meeting so she can get a bit of interaction going with the other ladies. I'll work a couple crossword puzzles and ride the stationary bike to give myself a wee bit of tension relief. It's all good. It will be good.
Then, after their dinner is fixed, I'll get in Suzi and head home to my Lovee. He'll be waiting with his arms wide open, ready to squeeze me and give me that feeling that everything's ok. I love that! Love me some Lovee! Scrumptious!

Wednesday, January 23, 2008


I've finally figured out how to describe my Mom. It's not eloquent or flowery. It's just real. She's a control freak who's lost her control. Very simple actually. Of course, she gets even more frustrated these days when that realization hits her. I don't think she would ever think that about herself though.
Sorry, there's nothing I can do about that. Really.

I'm also beginning to think it may not be so bad to be on the Dementia-wagon. I'm probably being too simplistic...or maybe it's a self preservation thing on my part, but...I'm....just thinking. It is terribly sad to watch but what is it really like to experience it? Frustrating I'm sure in the early stages. But in the end stages? Who really knows. My jury is still out.

I get tired these days. Not physically but mentally. I sometimes wonder how much my grape can hold on to.
My Sisterlittle may be here next month. Just for a weekend but, it'll be great to see her. I miss her. I need her. I don't think I would be very good at this without her being just a phone call away. Or w/o my Lovee. My sounding board. And all my kids....God how they all keep me together. If I could just shut the grape down for a while....during my awake hours....still being able to function but not have so much shit to go through it that I need a sifter to get to the daily stuff.
Usually it's Friday before I get mentally tired. Today's only Wednesday. Wonder what's up? Shit, more stuff for the grape. It's getting really juicy up there.

Lovee and I are talking about our vacation though. That's a mood pickerupper. Sisterlittle gave us dates to choose from. We've almost got it nailed down. I'm ready.

Monday, January 21, 2008


Mmkay....Dr. Phil's over. It wasn't very exciting. It was about gossip, which I'm not very fond of. It's bad and has the ability to ruin lives. Nuf said...

But he did say something that hit home. he said, " It's hard to take 'stupid' back". No shit!
I've done so many stupid things in my life it's ridiculous. Seriously! I'd go a bit further and say it's impossible to take stupid back. The things is, once it's been done or said, the stupid never,ever goes completely away. EVER! You may not feel the repercussions of it anymore or hear about it anymore but it....!!!! Forever. It goes into one of those rooms in your mind that I 've talked about in the past. A room where awful thoughts go to collect dust. But like all seldom used rooms, once in a while the door is opened and a slight breeze flows through disrupting the dust and uncovering the dreaded thought and swirling it around the room. It peeks out and revisits. Then we have to go through the process of stuffing it back in there and hope the dust settles quickly.

I hate it when that happens. Really hate it. I haven't done extremely stupid stuff that would put me in jail....oops.....ok, maybe I did eons ago.....but it's mostly things I said...and a few action activities
too.... Try as I might I can't get rid of the stupid memories I hate. Guess that's Karma. It may be good that I can't forget all the stupid I've done. It probably reminds me never ever to do them again!
But, Oh I wish I could.
Nuf said......again.

Bye-Bye pink.......

I had to. It just crawled all over me this morning. I needed the calmness of blue.

Guess what I did? I got to talk with Tweb!!!!! It was so fun to hear her accent. And to hear what she sounds like. Funny how we get an idea in our heads as to how someone will sound isn't it. I thought, for some reason I'm not too sure of, that she would sound like laura Ingram. That lady from some talk radio program. Cuz they're both blonde and skinny and....I dunno..made sense to me at the time. Wrong! She's so girlie! Love it!!!!

See, if I hadn't started this blog I'd never have had that experience. I think it's great to be able to expand my world. When we were traveling while in the Marine Corps we always had new adventures and were able to meet new people everytime we moved. Since Lovee retired in 1996, we've sorta been stuck with a lot of the same things. Same house, same towns,same jobs etc. Well, my job changed but that was an expected thing. It was one reasons we decided to move back here when he retired.
Lovee's Mom died while we were stationed in Japan and his Dad died while we were stationed in Texas. So, since my folks were still around but getting older, we decided this would be the best thing. I must admit, I've had my doubts about that decision a few times ( ie: my mother!) but it goes away after a few glasses of wine. :)
Anyway, I love being a voyeur. I love peeking into peoples lives on their blogs. I love the interaction of it, even if it's seriously, a long distance thing and sometimes a wee bit 'surface' stuff. But ya never know. I got to talk w/ Tweb!!!

I'm gonna go watch Dr. Phil now. Yea, in my world that's fun stuff. I don't usually get the chance while I'm at the parents, so now's my chance. Yea for Funday Monday!!! ( credit goes to R.E.H. thankyouverymuch ;) )

Monday Funday to me....

It's Monday and I'm off again!!! Woo-hoo!!
That's 2 Mondays in a row. Could be the start of something good or possibly the calm before the storm. Don't know,don't care. I'm just gonna roll with it and relax.

It's freaking cold here!! It's not -3 like at TWEB's but it's about 10 or 12 I think. And it's spitting rain and very windy. I'm not liking it much but I am liking the fireplace making the living room all cozy.
Lovee is in the kitchen getting dinner ready for the oven. That's the best part. He's cooking! He does that quite a lot actually. I'm so ok with it that I wonder what's up whenever he isn't cooking. He even shampooed all the carpet yesterday!! AND I didn't even ask him to.!!
I gotta tell ya....I got me a good one! Of course after being married for 34 years, I guess we've got stuff figured out. Like, how he does inside and outside. It wasn't always that way...but through the years it's just evolved. I'm just lucky is all I'm saying and I love him awful!
I not being a total slacker. The washing machine is making some soon the dryer will too.....and um.....I did go to the Wal~mart today and pickup a few items. Of course they were items for Lovee to make dinner with, but it still counts right?

My world is very calm today and I'm happy.
I'll leave it at that.

Saturday, January 19, 2008


I had an exchange student back in 1994 who was from Brazil. She was a sweet little girl but my favorite student was from Sweden. He wasn't mine, but we rescued him a few times from his host family whenever things got weird at their house. I love him dearly. He was very dilligent in keeping in touch with us. he calls us a couple times a year and we sometimes talk for over an hur. He likes to brush up on his English. Silly boy,err man...his English was always better than mine and deffinitely better that Gabby's( our gal). He's married now and has two beautiful kids . When ETK told me someone from Sweden was looking at my blog I instantly thought of 'Bear". His name in Swedish means Bear. So,oops, my bad! Wasn't him after all. But that's ok. I like the new guy too.
So, now I'm still curious about Germany.
Life is full of curious things huh? This one will probably remain one.
It's cool :)

Friday, January 18, 2008

I'm curious....

Who do I know in Germany that's reading this? I know who is in Sweden....Love my 'Bear'!! But Germany? Hummmmm, now my grape will get filled up on that thought.....just what I needed.

I've ALWAYS wanted to go there. I wish they would say hello....;)

ponders and posers

I have a question.
*******Let me digress for a moment. As I wrote that it occurred to me that the question I'm about to ask may have already been asked. It's a question that pops into my grape every now and then and has since I was a teenager. I think it so much, that I keep wondering if I've already asked it. So, if I have just ignore me...for now.*******

Here it is...if any of my friends knew me as I know me would they still like me?

It's not as simple a question as it seems. Everyone has things in their past or thoughts or musings that other people might take offense to. Only we ( read:me) know ourselves totally and completely. We choose what items in our grape we want to share with others. We hold back so to speak, the things we 'think' may not be too well received by others. We may be able to share something with Sally that we can't even think about sharing with Tom. Because we know these people and have a fairly good understanding about their likes and dislikes and views on different topics etc.
I think everybody exposes only a fraction of themselves. Because of my question....would this person like me if they knew.........???????......

It's very important to be liked isn't it. Oh, there are those people that we could care less if they didn't like us b/c we don't like them. And why don't we like them???? Maybe it's because we noticed something about them that just rubs us the wrong way, or they told us something that we decided ( after hearing it) we can't be a part of their life anymore...the list is endless. Perhaps they showed us a glimpse of themselves that they should have kept hidden. Which goes back to my original question.

It's stupid shit like that, that gets stuck in my grape and then I have to squish it. Now that that's done I'll have more room for other nonsensical stuff to infiltrate my already overloaded grape.
(Squish the grape juice tt.......get it all's getting crowded up there. It's not so caverness that you have an endless storage supply you know)
and here's another question. This one is probbly more important. Why do I think up these things in the first place? I don't want to get all Freudian and shit. But geesh! Stoopid shit like that goes around and around and starts bouncing off perfectly good thoughts which gets me distracted. As if my ADD wasn't bad enough.
Ok....I'll stop now. I'm about to confuse myself and then I'll get a whole new group of perfectly worthless shit roaming around up there.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

whadayaget when you let your guard down??

S.O.S.D.D that's what.
Same old shit different day. I'm not sure when I let my guard down at the parents. I guess while I was trying to be more compassionate with the Mom.
The funeral was today. That started it. And it makes me so freaking tired to even rethink the whole thing that I'm not even going to do it.
Let's just say that in a few days I'll look the family up and apologize to them for ducking out the back door and not sticking around to give out the proper niceities.(sfd.....she says sadly)
nuff said. I'm sad.
I'm going to bed and hope for a nicer tomorrow.
It's supposed to snow.....that will at least give the appearance of beauty. Even if it's lacking some places.

Go to bed're getting snide and cranky.
I know...that's the way I roll sometimes....I'm over happens...
No excuse.......don't stoop that low remember?
Oops, I forgot......thanks for the reminder.......I'm off to bed now...........Zzzzzzzz

Monday, January 14, 2008


Went to my old job today to have lunch with some gals. Fun!!! It felt so good to get together and catch up on some office and local town gossip. Not to mention have a conversation with out 'looping' it. :) I got to visit with my buddy '13'. He's just the sweetest guy you'd ever want to work with. Anywho, he passed on a little tidbit for avoiding a hangover. Yep....It's his tried and true method. According to 13, drink a huge bottle of V-8 juice along with 6 Ibuprofen. Uh-huh...that's his remedy. He says he's still tired in the morning and experiences a headache during the night but not in the morning. So, I thought I'd just pass that along.

Plus he gave me the book value for Dad's Mustang. Anyone want to buy a 1991 Mustang GT with only 89000 miles on it? I'll give ya a good deal I promise. It's a sweet ride I tell ya. His main usage of it consisted of driving to the club to play golf. That's Mom didn't like to ride in it so her car was used for everything else.

I finally did it. I locked my keys in Suzi-"Su-V today while I was at my old job. SFD!! I've been waiting to do that since I got her last February. I almost made it a year. I have a remote fob to lock it and stuff but I don't always use it. I'm used to hitting the lock on the door. Which is what I did right after I sat the keys on the console. I'm such an Igmo at times. Duh! Luckily the Boss called his friend who came and opened it for me. I only got a few minutes of grief from him after that.

Lovee and I got the kitty fixed today. My 97 Cougar needed a wee bit of fixing. The water pump we had fixed after our fabulous trip to Az in 2006 went out again. hummmm, we found a different mechanic this time. I know it's possible for it to go bad so soon but not probable. That guy's on my shit list as of today. Anyway, she's purring pretty now.

I was off today. The whole day. No alarm clock. No schedule. A whole day to do as I please. And I did for the most part. It felt a bit weird. But then I was knocked back into reality when the Mom called me about an hour ago. She wanted to remind me of the Funeral we have to attend tomorrow...coz I sometimes forget things....and she's my reminder. Not to mention all she has to do all day is lay on her 'love seat' and think. I'm as ready for the funeral as I can be. It will be nice to see my old friend ( first official boyfriend) but I hate the occasion. Hate it!

Sunday, January 13, 2008

Thought for the year.......;)

it's never too late to live happily ever after

Friday, January 11, 2008

who is this woman???

Every now and then, I get a glimpse to a different side of my Mom. It's rare for me to see her in a type of selfless expression. Just a couple of years ago, she had nothing nice to say about Dad. She was constantly talking about how mean he talked to her and how badly he treated her. When I would say, I've never seen that side of him, she'd say he didn't do it whenever anyone was around. Hummmm, odd behavior from a guy who was always the least talkative person in the room. Unless, of course, they were at a party, where he would be the most jovial person around.

He has/had the best sense of humor out of the two of them. Normally, he would just be his quiet,engineer self. But I digress.......

Now a days, whenever I ask what kind of desert she wants she'll say" whatever Daddy wants"....or what to have for dinner," let's see what your father would like". Curious. She's all about him. She worries most about him now, instead of her. Very odd. Don't get me wrong, I like seeing this side of her. She's much more pleasant to be around. It's just that, I guess, I'm suspect of it. Isn't that awful? Perhaps when one gets to what they perseive as the end of their days, they can have an 'Aha' moment that's genuine?

I don't know. I'm not a seer. Actually I'm a dreamer....I've always dreamed of the unobtainable. World peace, parents who outwardly show genuine affection towards one another, dogs who pee outside, lots of zero's on the ends of my bank know, the normal stuff. :)

If it's a dream I'm having, about my Mom's newly acquired niceness, then I choose to stay asleep. Do not Disturb!!!!!

more ramblings.......

The Dad has decided to sell his Mustang!!!!!!!
I can not tell you how excited this makes me. His vision is something like 20/400..with glasses! He has glaucoma. It's scarey to ride with him and even scarier to watch! So, he greeted me with his version of " I've got good news and bad news" yesterday morning. I told him I don't do bad news so skip that part. He said it would depend on how I took the news as to whether it was bad or good. I so totally chose good! It's sad that it's come to this. Elderly ppl loose so much of themselves whenever they give up things from their past. It's very hard to give up control of your life. But, I graciously told him I was very proud of his decision and that at least he had a cute, although middle aged driver to rely on. :) (that would be me)

Another friend of theirs died yesterday. SFD....
I've known Mr. T since I was in 8th grade! One of his son's was my first official boyfriend.
What can I say? That stupid song " Another one bites the dust" kept going through my grape. Geesh tt,....

Mom has noticed the Dad's downward decline recently. She told me she's scared. That gave me the throat lumps. She asked if I'd still come and take care of her if Dad died. S.F.D.....after I shook my head, to clear the nonsense I just heard, I said "Of course. I'm here for the long haul Mom. I guess she just wanted to reassure herself that whoever is left will still have someone to be there for them. As if I'd bail......

And the most important ramble.......
I must correct myself. Geesh I hate doing that....but I must.
Guess what Dad was wearing the other day??????? The red coat that we were sure had been gone for 20 years!! He did find it. Somewhere in his closet that I missed. He felt very victorious. :)
He's had that coat for at least 50 years and it still looks great. It's his new favorite.
Another day awaits...............

Thursday, January 10, 2008

My humble thanks

On Christmas morning I opened a much anticipated present form ETK. I knew it was a book and I was anxious to see just which one it was. The picture on the paper cover was of an older house; white siding with lots of windows. You could see a light on through one of the many windows. The title; an uncertain inheritance-writers on caring for family. Hummm, I thought. This should be interesting. Lovee grabbed it later on that evening. Before I had a chance to even open it he had read the first story. He looked at me and told me a few interesting facts. Such as " in the United States, there are nearly thirty million informal caregivers. He had a look on his face that said..'Babe, we're not alone in this'. It was a sad look though.

He only read the first story though, I think. I retrieved the book from his nightstand and started reading. Of course, that meant that the 3 other books I was attempting to read would have to be put on hold. That's ok I told myself. This book will give me a lot of insight into this new world I've entered. The 'entertaining' books will wait.

This morning I finished the 10th story. It's called 'Death in slow motion'. During my readings of this book, I've taken to hi-lighting interesting passages, in case I want to reread them or just because I found them to be hitting me square in the nose. This last story was hi-lighted on most pages. It's about Dementia and Alzheimer's. It's a story that I'm afraid I will be able to add my own chapters to and at the same time I pray that I won't. One sentence in the story goes""You realize that your mother is suffering from dementia, don't you?' he said without sympathy. "Uh,yes,"I said, but of course I had no notion at all then of the real meaning of the ugly word."

That's a hi-lighted sentence for me. It's true. I have no notion of the real meaning...yet. I'm certain I will. But I'm not going to like it one bit.

This is quite possibly the best gift anyone has given me. It's a hard read, in that, I cry, buckets at times, over the heartache that's told. But I can not stop reading it. I have to put as much information in to my grape as I can. Not that I'll remember all of it or even a fraction of it. I doubt if I'll ever be able to recall important facts which may help me in the future. But, what I do hope is that, the information I glean from this will somehow float around in my grape and find a safe nook to rest, until needed. And then maybe little tidbits of information will escape ( be squished from the grape as I like to say) and give me some 'Aha' moments. Moments that will remind me that what I'm doing is a good thing, no matter what the circumstances. No matter how ugly or dark my mood gets over any given situation. Tidbits that will reinforce the decisions that we make and have made, about care for my folks. That I will oneday look at their house and see a light on through the window and know that everything, will eventually, be ok. That Sisterlittle and I and Lovee will walk a wee bit straighter knowing that.

So, I will say Thank You to my precious ETK for giving me the gift of this book. I will say it here, because I know if I try to say it to her over the phone I'll cry. And that's not what I want to convey. Yes, I'm sad at the prospect of what may happen but ever so grateful for the knowledge that, even though I knew it before reading this book, I'm not and will never be alone in my journey. And that....lifts my spirits.

My journey is in it's much more will come. Gracious, what a ride it's going to be.

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

dumb rambles..

We spent a bit of time today looking for a red coat that has been gone for YEARS....Dad knew it was 'around here somewhere".....

Mom says she has OCD. Really? I thought we already knew that?

Mom bought a new oven for their house today. She thought the delivery charge would cost as much as the oven itself. It did when she bought the last the 70's. Really?

Lovee is having issues getting pictures from the new camera loaded onto the computer. Seems our old camera 'stuff' is competing with the new camera stuff. He's not a happy camper.

I've rambled all day so I thought I'd squish the last little bit outta the grape before I went to bed.
Strange day tt.
Go to bed then so It'll be over.

Sending Great vibes to Alli!!!

Today is 'The Exam'.!!!! Today she will become 'Alli - Physician's Assistant Extraordinaire'.
She's going to completely Ace this exam and finally be through studying for a while.
She's an amazingly bright and selfless person, determined to be of service to her fellow mankind.

It's been a long road but she's finally reached the proverbial 'light' at the end of her tunnel.
So, go get-em Alli!

Don't forget to breathe,eat chocolate and of course...caffeine!(Dunkin Donuts coffee perhaps?)
A big, squishy, puffy heart to you.....and
mucho hugs.

Monday, January 7, 2008

Not really....

My fav day off is Monday. Fact it's usually the only day I have off but that little diddy makes me laugh. :)
It's going to be a great day. I've already decided that. I don't have a plan for my day but that's a good thing I think since my days are usually filled with plans. The Mom is very structured and gets a lot of comfort knowing how each hour will be filled. Me, not so much.
I do like structure sometimes though, but I usually reserve that for my purses. :) tee-hee

Yummmmmm...I'm smelling bacon!!!
Lovee is fixing us breakfast I think........... YAY!!!!!!!!!
Gotta go for now...........he knows the smell of bacon will get me off the puter!!..

Let's start our week w/ a song- shall we??

(**sung to the Mickey Mouse song tune**)

What's the worst day of the week that gets us all depressed...
Here comes more agrivation and a brand new week of stress
Monday sucks,monday sucks,Monday sucks,monday sucks..
forever will it make you want to cry..
So come along and sing this song now get it off your chest...
M-O-N-D-A-Y S..-U..-C..-K..-S.......!!

Saturday, January 5, 2008

November 10th, 1979

Me and Lovee at our first Marine Corps Ball in Okinawa, Japan. Lovee was 29 and I was 25... look how studly he was (IS STILL).

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

Ashes to ashes....

It's over. That was one of the hardest times I've ever had at a funeral.. Geez!!
He was so tiny.
It broke my heart to see S and T and the other kids so broken up.
I'm taking them Veggie Pizza this weekend. That's their fav.
I'm a caregiver-person. That's what I do best. I care for ppl who make their way into my heart.
It's a good gig.


Tuesday, January 1, 2008

So far so good....for now....

Ok, I did it. I actually had a good day. I've been doing this for, oh....7 months or so now right? Today was the first day I felt at ease with the Mom. I was my real age...not 12. Perhaps the stars were aligned just right or...maybe, it was my thought of trying to be more compassionate towards her. I dunno....I'm just happy with the results of today. I'll leave it at that.

My poor Dad. His brain misfires so much these days. I think my Mom finally figured it out today. I know it's got to be hard on her. I'm know it would sadden me if Lovee became that way. I want us to grow old together and sit in rocking chairs and talk about all our adventures and memories.....looking at all the pictures we've taken and laugh and giggle. That's my plan anyway. I know that may not happen, but for now.......that's dream I'll focus on.

With my luck, it'll probably me ME to go looney tunes. After all, I'm half way there already. LOL
Dad stared at this checkbook for HOURS today...trying to figure stuff out. He never really did.
I'm still hoping he'll let me balance it next time.

Tomorrow is the funeral. Ugh! I really dislike them...funerals that is. If someone dies and ppl can reminisce about the life that was led then that's one thing. But a stillborn baby?! I just can't wrap myself around that one.

More on that tomorrow.

New day...New year....

I hope this coming year will bring about changes. I know it will in some form but I want the changes to be in ME. I want to see changes in the way I view my parents. Not big changes but I want to be more compassionate towards my Mom and hopefully gain some...geez...I don't know what to call the change I want to see towards my Dad; let's just call it...umm....the shrugs. His mind isn't working like it should or even close to the way it used to. His thought process is really wack-o at times and he wants to do things that don't really make hopefully I can just 'shrug' it off and go with it. It's useless to try and change his mind when it gets made up. Of course a lot of ppl are that way.....but his is a wee bit more pronounced.

That's ok. Who knows what my mind will be like if I'm lucky enough to make 82. I actually get a chuckle thinking of that. I'll bet ya I'll be a handful! It'll be 'bitch' this and 'rat bastard' that and 'F**k off dude'....and of course my favorite...s**t-F**k-Damn! And possibly a 'wow, nice rack girlie' as I juggle some gals boobies..( *wink-wink* Alli) And that'll probably be on my mild days. Something stupido will set me off like.... we're out of bologna.

We'll see.
The roller coaster ride hasn't even left the platform yet.....stay tuned.

I'm off to 'work' now.......
enjoy your day off!


My wish list for this New Year...

I wish you....... peace..... of mind and spirit and heart
I wish you....... health.... of mind and spirit and heart
I wish you....... softness if you ever fall
I wish you....... tenacity and boldness and adventure
I wish you....... always have faith in yourself
I wish you....... contentment in your lives
I wish you....... Joy
I wish you........never ending love..........
I wish you....... enough.......
enough of everything to keep you safe and warm and happy

Sent with oodles of love and kisses and warm squishie hugs.....