Wednesday, January 20, 2010

here squishie squishie...

need to squish a bit.
Probably random incoherent thoughts will surface. That's OK. It's my blog and I'll be incoherent and indecisive if I want.

So, it's been 4 freaking months since the rents moved in with Lovee and I. 4 frustrating,glorious,maddening,tiring,blessed months. So many emotions. It's hard to count them all.
What happens to older ppl( the parentals ) who just give up or can't do anything ? They sit in front of the fireplace, snuggies ( of course ) on, drifting in and out of sleep like a bump on a pickle....for hours at a time. When they do wake or stir it's to call me...the beck and call girl do whatever it is they need. Take Dad to the bathroom ( and all that involves )...get them some coffee...dress the Dad...put on the Mom's shock and shoes ...fasten her bra....fix her hair...give Dad a shower...dole out the list goes on and on. There is no end.

My life.
That's just the way it is.
I'm doing Gods work. I see that.
But at the same time....I actually feel as if my life may stay this way. I can't dream my way into Lovee's and my future anymore. I'm stuck in the here and now. Never was that way before. I miss it.
I miss lots of stuff.
I want to rebel........I want to throw myself on the ground and throw a huge hissy fit...I want to go...anywhere...w/o telling anyone where I'm going or when I'll be back.'s freedom I'm missing I think.

An 'Aha' moment just flashed me. Any flash is better than no flash I guess.
I miss me. I miss the way things were. I hate pity parties - whatever.

Dad's Dementia is getting worse by the day. I thought he looped it happens every 2 minutes or so. He has absolutely no idea how to shower...brush his teeth...what order to put clothes on or off...what to eat....nothing...unless I tell him. Sad. So, so sad.
The Mom is.........well, I think she may be developing Alzheimer's. That's my gut talking..
I think Dementia is a nicer dimension the the Alz. Alz can be very mean. In my case anyway.

Maybe it's just how their personalities were before. Dad the jovial happy guy...Mom the dour, pessimistic nagger.

I miss having friends to go places with. Most of my friends were from work. Those kind of friends fade when you no longer work together. Some friends only call when they want something....I don't like that, but I talk to them to lessen my loneliness...then hang up and swear to myself that I won't do it again....but I do. :(
Lovee is still my hero. I'd be 6 feet under right now if he weren't with me. Seriously.
I'm doing something my mind really can't get a grip on....i know it's the right thing to do...but I miss life.

gotta go fold the laundry and take the rents for a walk's nice today.


Herrad said...

Hi TT,
Being a fulltime carer is hard work, you are doing fantastic work.
Guess being a carer you are constantly having to do something and are never off duty.
Keep warm.
Thinking of you.
Big hugs.

Real Live Lesbian said...

Hi Sweetheart! I've missed you. I wish you could find yourself again. I don't even know what to wish for for you, so I'll just wish for you to have some peace. I can't imagine how hard it must be for you.


Anonymous said...

Oh, TT, you are wonderful! What you are doing is loving and difficult. And your Lovee is just as wonderful, supporting you.
Please don't forget to take care of yourself. Caregivers need care, too, and the occasional respite (even though I know you must feel the need for more than "occasional").
Your loving care is love in action.

tt said...

herrad: never off duty is right...and it's really ok...I just get tired of it all sometimes. not careing for them perse'... it's watching their steady decline...sad.

rll: hi back atcha!! Yea, I've missed you too..I keep up with you thru my girl Cheekymonkey :)LOVE her! not to worry...I'll find me again one day...then Lovee and I will start our life adventures again...yay!!

kc: you know how hard it is to carve out a wee little niche for me time?? Almost impossible actually. Everyone says that caregivers have to take care of themselves.. and it's true...but time doesn't always play nicely...I'm trying...seriously's just so elfing hard. The dad panics when I'm not around..evern if Lovee is here.. Oh is what it is.
I loved your last line..:) it made me smile. you my dear..have a generous heart!!!! xo

ETK said...

Hello my very favoritest person in the world!

I love you! I know this doesn't help, but I shipped you a present today! I hope you like it.


Dianne said...

I have no wisdom

I think you are the best
a hero really
a real life everyday hero
the kind that makes people hopeful about the goodness of others

I love ya girlie

Farmer*swife a/k/a Glass_Half_Full said...

You need to find someone who can sit and care for them to give you a day off once a week, and a night out with the Lovee and a luncheon with friends.

Really...or you are going to drive yourself insane and possibly resentful. Even though you are doing it for all the right reasons.

Hang in there, I admire your strength!

Anonymous said...

TT, been there done that. I missed us. I missed our life. There were days I couldn't find us anymore. It's ok.. you'll find you again.

I am slowly finding me again. With me, comes the memories of us. Even though he is no longer here, I did find us in the memories.

Know I love you.. and know you will get through this. Lean on Mr. Wonderful, he can take it. I've seen pictures of him.. He has broad shoulders for an ole broad to lean on.

Luvs and huge hugs.. wine and chocolate.. and shiney stuff too..
from Kansas