Monday, March 7, 2011

i don't know how to do this

i've never seen a class offered on how to say goodbye to parents.  How am I supposed to say goodbye to my precious daddy?  it's so final. he's sleeping. Can he hear me? can he feel me holding his hand?? washing his face?? has he heard me tell him it's ok to 'go home'? will his dementia let him understand it?
Days,.... the Hospice nurse said.  Days.  ever thought abt that? Days come and go without us even realizing it sometimes...sometimes it seems like they take forever to go by....time is relative isn't it?  i need more time.  Selfishly I want more time....
but there's pain involved....a terrible wasting away....he can't eat...can't drink....can't talk....the only sounds out of him these 'days' are moans.  But because he can't communicate we don't know what they mean....ugh...
So I pray....and pray....and pray some more.......
then i remember to breathe....i try to match my breatheing with his....can''s too shallow.... precious and loving Lovee....he's hurting in this too.  He never got to tell his parents goodbye.....
He's hyper-vigilent with Dad now.  Sitting by his bedside...holding his hand...pulling the covers up around him....coz daddy hates to be cold...he covers him....drops the liquid pain meds in his mouth  at the right time....never letting too much time go suffering for his precious father inlaw....he's there for him.  Always has been...and will be till the end.
Lovee and i are taking shifts....making sure the meds stay in him round the clock.
but still...I don't know how to do this!!!

in a few 'days' i'll learn tho won't I?  whether or not I want to....i'll learn.  Because i'll have to do it again one day.. the mom is still with us. 
Losing the love of her life of 60 years.  I don't think she knows how to do this either.
WE'll all learn together.

We'll get by with a little help from our friends.....isn't that how it's supposed to go?


Farmer*swife a/k/a Glass_Half_Full said...

I was just searching for an update and so I came here and found this post. This is a sad but actually beautiful post because it is so full of the love you have been pumping into your Daddy for so long through all of this for the past several years now....

It brought tears to my eyes. Made me cry. I can't even fathom if it were my Daddy. He's so burly and strong. But size and life are fleeting after awhile.

Your Lovee is so, so, so wonderful to be so close with you hand in hand.

Your Daddy knows. His body is writhing and fighting but he may very well be comforted now in spirit and soul by a higher power.

My prayers are with you through this...the hardest part. {{ HUGS}}

Farmer*swife a/k/a Glass_Half_Full said...

He knows how much you love him is what I meant by he knows. He can feel it and has felt it and when he is free from the illness that holds his body he will see it so clearly for eternity. <3

Anonymous said...

Oh, TT, I am so sorry! :*(

Big, gentle, enveloping hugs to you and your family right now.

You have been --and continue to be-- a tremendous example of how to love generously while caring for aging parents.
Your example has influenced me in my own choices while dealing with my parents and their failing health.

Much love to you in these days.

The Queen said...

We put up a hug wall for you guys.. we don't know what else to do... we love you.. we hurt for you..and we're here for you..

Jay said...

So very sorry. I know how hard it is to go through this.

Dianne said...

I have been thinking about you so much lately
I can even hear your voice from that time we talked on the phone
and flamingos
and loving more than your luggage
and one and on

maybe this is why
I am supposed to check in on you and tell you it will be OK
and how wonderful you are
and what a good daughter you are

hugs sweetie

Allison Horner said...

Hugs & Love to you. I am sending some with Pups.

CheekyMonkey said...

Ahh, sweet tt, you are an amazingly strong woman and I feel blessed to have you in my life. I'm a firm believer in that he knows what's happening. He could hear you. And he's there with you right now... Love you tons lady. Both you and Lovee are amazing people. {{{HUGS}}}

Farmer*swife a/k/a Glass_Half_Full said...

I hope you are finally getting some rest, relief, and understanding. We have something for you (me and Sweet D) but you know it takes time with the distance.

Our hearts and hugs are with you from South below you.

:-) <3

Knight said...

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I'm sending all my love your way.

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