Sunday, October 26, 2008

What's in your bag???

When we're born, we don't come with instructions. We don't know exactly what lies ahead of us.
We aren't handed a nice little shiny box with everything we'll need to scatter about in making our life. It's a day by day thing.
I do think there may be a plastic bag thrown in the mix somewhere along the line. A bag with our life in it. But, because it's not in a box, neatly arranged with instructions as to when to scatter pieces of our life, some things get thrown out in a not so logical order. That is the mystery. We just reach in and grab something and toss it out and see what happens. Not on purpose mind you. It's like, we're blindfolded and can't see what's picked. If we could see, I know things would proceed more cautiously and in an order we think it should be in. That's life....chaotic and imperfect and magical all thrown in together.
We take whatever life throws at us....ever hoping for the best. Dealing with disappointments and joys and sadness, sometimes all in one day.
And so it goes.

A childhood friend of mine left us Saturday. She was only 56. A massive stroke and heart attack was the cause. I'm sure that wasn't in the plan her Mom had for her...or her children...or her brother....or her husband. I'm sure that wasn't in her plan either. The bag just emptied in an order we wish it hadn't.

We went and visited her Mom today after church. The first thing she said to my Mom was" Oh my, how'd you ever let your baby boy go? I just don't know how to do it. It's not supposed to be this way."
It has brought my brothers death to the front of Mom's mind. Mom did the best she could to comfort her...but really, what can be said.

She was only 2 years older than me. When we were small I wanted to be her. She was so pretty and popular. She didn't have that awkward stage that most of us have. She was always pretty. Sad, usually, but pretty.
Depression fell out of her bag early on. It grabbed hold of her and never quite let go. I think she forgot to grab more things out of that bag....depression puts blinders on you ...
I think sadness was all she saw.

So, I looked into my very worn bag today to see if I could get a glimpse of what may lay ahead. I saw so many possibilities. Some shiny things are there along with everyday stuff...laundry and chores...but I saw hugs and kisses......smiles and giggles....Lots and lots of love....rainbows and frogs and ladybugs.....laughter and and wiggles....and comfort. I saw enough to make me hopeful.

That's what I wish for everyone. I hope your bag is filled with enough hopefulness to make the corners turn up everyday.

I hope I get to empty my bag before I have no more tomorrows. I know for sure, I'm going to do my best to accomplish that. If I succeed, yay for TT. If not, I hope someone grabs what's left of it and pours it out to be caught in the wind. Maybe the shiney parts will land in someone elses bag that needs it more than I did.


meno said...

It's a reminder to make SURE we put lots of love and hugs in the bag, by giving them away.

Gary's third pottery blog said...

Oh TT!

Gin said...

What a poignant post TT. I'm so sorry about your friend. I wish I could give you a hug. It is very tough to lose a child (I know my 36 yr old son passed away this summer) and it doesn't matter how old they are. I love the way you look at life. It's so helpful to all of us who have lost someone precious to us. I love your blog and the fact that you share your wisdom with all of us.

Anonymous said...

Awww, I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. :(

I like to hear your wisdom, too.

tt said...

meno: remembering is the key...and a must. It sooths the aches and pains of everyday life...sometimes. :)

Gary: I know..what's to say ;) xo

Ginni:I'm not sure about the wisdom grape just has to figure things out from time to time...I felt so awful reading about your precious son brought back memories of my brother..and I think I've been thinking about all of this since then. You my lovely lady...are a gift to ME...your blog and your sunny ways to look at the world inspire me too. I hug you too! ;)

FF: thanks, in case you hadn't noticed...are wise also. You just need to trust yourself. ;)

Dianne said...

and you keep telling me you don't really "write"

this is beautiful, genuinely and magically beautiful

made me feel sad and hopeful at the same time

I'm so sorry about your friend

I love you

KPChicago said...

i can feel the sadness radiating out of you and it's not a bad thing-- thank you for not being afraid and posting something raw and remembering. My brother has been gone over 16 years more of my life he has been gone than been alive--and it still washes over me once in a while. If I hadn't already loved you I would have fallen in love with you today!

Anonymous said...

T.T. I knew something was wrong when I didn't wake up to a lovely post and seeing your footprints in the comment section of your online friends.. I just knew..

I'm so sorry my dear... and I'm telling you.. YOU ARE A WRITER... I feel your pain from your post. I feel your love for Lovie.. in your posts...

and... about that other thing.. that's what our friends are for.. to scatter the good that was left in our bag, to the wind.. for all to enjoy when we can't..

Thoughts are with you..Big big hug to you... one of those that make you say...HONEY,, YOU'RE SQUEEZING ME TOO TIGHT... one of those kind.. the really good hugs..

The Queen.

Major.Sunshine said...

I'm so sorry for you sweetie. Hang in there. Enjoy every moment you have and remember your friend with a smile because you know that is what she would want.


Farmer*swife a/k/a Glass_Half_Full said...

It is hard. Especially, when it seems to come before one's time? Or, before we have prepared ourselves.

I didn't know about your brother. If you've posted, I'd like to go back and read about it.

My IRL BFF who is 55 [she says I'm an old soul] lost her son two years ago. They burried him on his 23rd birthday. She is still tottering.

I think about it daily. I kick myself when I get crappy with my own two beautiful children. I don't want to lose all that I have.

I hope you are hanging in there. I hope you are healthy and taking care of yourself, too. I'm so glad you have a positive outlook about everything, and daily.

This was a sweet post and a great expression to "shake us all up" a little and shake our bags. Like scrabble.

I could only imagine if I lost my Life Long Friend (she's three years my younger, but I've known her since she was four).

I hope your Monday brings you some smiles and Happy!

ETK said...

Oh TT! I'm so sorry! There are already so many hugs and smiles and big hearty belly laughs and love in your bag. Sometimes I wonder how you carry that sucker around.

Oh and you simply aren't allowed to go anywhere. Don't make me send YOU to YOUR room.

Love you! Big squeezers!

Real Live Lesbian said...

I'm so sorry for your loss, Sweetie.

I hope your bag stays full of sparkles and shineys for many, many years to come!

Brad said...

I'm sorry about your friend TT - Thank you for a timely reminder. HUGS!

CheekyMonkey said...

I'd doubt you have anything left in that bag of yours, but if I can get my hands on any if it... I'll be sure to use it up, somethin good!

I've bedazzled my bag. It's awesome and shiny and has great shit in there. I'll lend you my bedazzler to do your own. Proudly carry it around with you. :)

Mwwahhh, hugs sweetie... You know I luvs ya something aweful!

Knight said...

This is possibly going to be the strangest comment I have ever written but it must be said.

This post is so full of a specific sad but uplifting emotion that I can actually taste it. For a second I thought I was mindlessly eating something. I can't even describe how unusual the sensation is. There was texture, like cotton candy maybe? So strange.

Anyway, thank you for writing it. You have a beautiful way of seeing and sharing things.

tt said...

dianne: lol..I DON"T write...I just squish from time to time...I have to sort through all those damn boxes from time to time...I love you too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

KP: Awww..sweetie, I'm sorry about your brother. It's tough isn't it. A memory smacks me into reality at times...Mine has been gonelonger than he was alove too. Since 1967..he was 21.
and FYI_ I fell for you at first laugh! ;)

the Queen: you so get me...;)
and you're right..i don't post if I'm working through something...or if I'm tired or in a "piss & moan' ( thanks FW) mood. Which means I will sometimes go a week before I find something worthy to blog about...odd huh? And I must say...I love 'too tight' hugs!

Princess: smiles are on order...should be here tomorrow. Fact, I think I just found one reading the comments......thanks!

FW: you are an old soul. Seriously..that's part of your allure and's probably why I chish reading you.
Don't beat yourself up about getting crappy with the kiddos...that's part of life and it's your job..just like it's their job to piss you off. lol

ETK: don't get a 'tude' with me know you love me..I love you right back. And I'm thinking you are in charge of my bag..should it ever leave me ;)

tt said...

rll: thanks's waayyyy full right now...let me know if you need to borrow some..I'm totally cool with sharing ;)

Brad: I think I've gotten a glimpse inside your bag's very full and so shiny I had to put my shades on! xo

CM:A bedazzler?? Seriously?! now why didn't I think of that?? See, you're me only earlier and you got a head start on the bag. Woohoo! hugs and loves.

Knight: Lil gal....I'm finally at a total loss for words. Seriously! I'd like to have that experience...and possibly I have...only my taster notices salty and sour things first. Cotton lovely. I'm glad I can share thoughts with people..I'm sure I've received more than I've given, but that's one of the great things about us blobbies...we share and take pieces of what we read with us...forever. Hopefully anyway.I heart you something awful! :)

Dianne said...

knight's comment made me cry. a good cry. she's lovely isn't she?
hope today is a happier day TT

tt said...

dianne: me too. She's an old soul I'd say.
And today is happier:)

Anonymous said...

TT, I'm sorry to hear about your loss. Which is of course also a loss for many others, including her mother. Somehow our losses help us empathize with others in their pain, but that doesn't make it any easier to bear.

tt said...

KC: so right...her Mom is 92!!! She's like another Mom to me. and she's doing remarkably well considering...