My life......for your entertainment.....

Here's one for the memory books. Actually I'd like to forget my Wal~Mart experience today, but I doubt I will. On second thought I hope I NEVER forget it. If I forget it, I may repeat it and that's not a good idea. So, after I deposit the parental units to their home after church, I decided to go to the Wal~Mart. Lovee and the kids went to see the Blue Angels in Muskogee which meant I had some free time to get at least one, if not several projects out of the way. I finished the window seat cushion yesterday and the panels that go on the front, so that meant it was time to paint the seat. So, I went to my fav store. I'm walking through there in my Sunday best...heels clicking on the floor, feeling really good...the hair cooperated today...I've got some spare time to kill...etc. you know the drill. I get the shampoo and start looking at the shower gels and stuff and found myself doing that whole indecisive thing I do sometimes. I didn't want to get my regular shower gel because my skin has been so dry lately I wanted to try something else. The dry thing is probably another sign of this whole 'middle age' crap, although I'm sure I passed middle age about 15 years ago...so this must be part of that wonderful menopause shit we get to go through. ( I think we need to rename it 'mental'pause... you'll see why in a few years!) Whatev! Anyway........... So, I'm picking up bottles and flipping the caps open to get an idea of the fragrance right? And you know how you can squeeze the bottle ever so gently to get a whiff of the stuff?! Well.......all of a sudden....swhoosh.....................I squeeze it too hard and it goes straight up my nose. Not a little dab either....noooooooo......like a quarter cup of the stuff!!! Up my nose AS I'M SNIFFING!!!! Let me tell ya, in case you've never had this experience, breathing soap up your nose burns like hell!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh, yeah!!! So there I am, trying to wipe the stuff away as it's running out of my nose...I don't have a tissue and there's nothing around to grab and wipe....plus, I'm trying to act nonchalant like nothing has happened. I put it back on the shelf and notice there's soap running all down the bottle.....it's all over my hands from wiping my nose. I finally said screw it and wiped my hands on my slacks....alternating wiping my nose then wiping my pants.... I did, however, like the smell so I grabbed another bottle and literally through it in my cart as I was walking away. OK, then the burn sets in! OH-MY-FREAKING-$^#$$%^*%*&%^$%#!!!!!! I'm walking back to the paints, still wiping my nose, trying to breathe through this stuff that's now starting to drip down the back of my throat; eyes watering. I see the paint and grab a can of white. Grab some brushes and start for the checkout lanes. I'm thinking, as I quickly push my cart, why is everyone staring at me? Is my nose red? Is there a soap ring around my mouth or nose? I keep wiping cuz it's literally running out of my nose and I don't want to sniff anymore b/c it's really burning my throat. I start wondering the whole time if I'm gonna get sick later and hurl. ( Lovee is grilling Fillets and I don't want to loose that!!) I decide to keep my head down as much as possible and avoid every one's looks. I keep checking my hands to see if maybe I'm bleeding or something....why the hell is everyone looking at me????????? I get to the express lane and luckily no one is there. I put my stuff on the counter as the cashier looks up. She looks at me a bit funny but then starts scanning my items. I wonder if I should ask if she has any tissue but I don't cuz I'm totally embarrassed by this point and don't want to risk having to explain why there's liquid soap all over my nose and mouth....! I pay and start waking out. All I can think of is 'Lord just get me to the car'!!! Well, as I'm walking out, something catches my eye and I look down at my chest and ,....................yep!!!!! There it is!!!! What every one's been looking at!!!! It's not my nose....it's the huge blop of white soap dripping down my shirt!. I'm not talking about a little dab. It's a huge glob of soap....looking like something else....(ahem)........if you can imagine!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :( Well shit, I say out loud. I let go of the cart and start wiping it ....it takes both hands mind you.....wipe it on my pants and leave the store. By the time I got to the car, my eyes and nose and throat were on fire!. I grabbed some napkins from the glove box and start blowing my nose like a trumpet..........honking and blowing! Coughing and gagging; trying to cough some of that shit up. Took about 5 napkins, but I finally started feeling better. Phew! Now, here's my question. Why didn't someone, at least the cashier say something? Like," Uh, you've got a little something on your blouse there"...or " Do you need a tissue".... So I started wondering if I saw that on someone, would I give them a tissue or just snicker and walk on. My answer.............I think it would depend on my mood or other equally important factors. I'm sure from now on though.........I'll always have tissues in my purse and I'll be ready to hand them out in case of emergency! P.S. When I looked in the mirror after I got home, to check the 'damage"...I noticed a red spot just under my nose. I had wiped so hard , I bruised myself!!! A little red spot about the size of a pencil eraser....right.under.my.friggin.nose!!! The fun never stops!