Monday, March 31, 2008

A Huge grape out...

I have a best friend. We've known each other since we were 15. Almost 40 years!!!! We've been through a lot together . But I have a problem... with her. Actually it's probably a problem with myself but I'm putting it on her.
She doesn't call me.
I'm not sure why. She just doesn't. If I didn't call her I think I'd never hear from her again. And that...bothers me. We get together 2 maybe 3 times a year. Which I guess is ok, but she never calls. She may send me an email when one of our 'events' are coming up. We get together for the 1964 concert each year in June or July. She'll email me with the dates and times and we'll arrange to meet for dinner first. We go in separate cars though. We sometimes get together for her Birthday...if I call and arrange something....but not mine. We get together for the State Fair. And then....well, that's about it. I've been taking her Christmas presents over to her daughters house a week or so before Christmas or she'd never get them. I haven't had a Christmas present from her in 2 or 3 years. She's said I'm not allowed at her house anymore because because she's got too many cats and I'm allergic.
We were closer when Lovee and I lived all over. We'd both call at least once a month if not more. When we were stationed in Texas and she was here in Ok...we'd meet in Dallas, the half way mark, for a girls weekend.
After we retired back here, we got together quite often. But something changed and I'm not sure what it was. She has said she's become a loner. She's been divorced for a long time and seems quite content to go to work and care for her animals and visit her daughter and her hubby and her grandson. But where do I stand in this equation? When I started this blog I told her about it. She seemed indifferent to the idea. I was never sure if she even read it until I got an email from her about one of my topics. Our outside cat Tabby. My 'bff' didn't like what I said and let me know in no uncertain terms that my thinking was jacked up. Hummm, ok. She told me she wouldn't be reading my blog anymore. Later on, at the fair, she asked what all had been going on in my life and I asked her if she'd been reading my blog. She said no she prefers to get her information "this way; in person". So I filled her in on some stuff and that was it.

It stays on my mind though. Why doesn't she initiate any calls. I know I should ask her but I suppose I'm afraid of what the answer will be. I should have put 'confrontation' on my list of things I don't like. I really don't like that at all. If I tell her it's been bothering me then I'll have to deal with the outcome....and I guess that scares me. Sad isn't it?
I keep remembering my 50th birthday. Lovee and the urchins threw me a surprise party. ( boy that would have been some great pictures!!) A friend from work had gotten me out of the house for the day. When we got home and all the hoopla died down some I saw her. I gave her a big hug and said" How come I haven't heard from you" she said she was sorry but that she'd do better. That was it.
How do you put a 40 year old relationship on the back burner??
I know we're busy. But heck, my folks house is only about 2 miles from where she works and maybe 5 miles from her house. She knows I'm there all the time. She knows how hard what I'm doing for my parentals is.
I've called her...several times. And she always seems happy I've called. But it's never reciprocated.
So, what do ya'll think I should do?
Call her and just ask her ....
let it go and just try and accept it for what it is.

I'm confused.


Allison Horner said...

This is a hard one for me. I don't like confrontation much either, although as I get older, I am getting better at it.

But if you REALLY want to know, ask her. Be honest with her.

You 2 are best friends, so you should be able to work through it. Right?

Raven said...

Thanks for visiting Raven's Nest today. Thought I'd return your call.

This is a hard one.

I have had friends like that... and friends who call me but only want to talk about themselves. This sounds, though, like something has shifted in the way she is relating to you and that's probably more of what is troubling you than who calls who. I can't help wondering if she isn't battling depression. I know I don't make calls like I used to. It isn't that I don't think about people or that I don't care, it's just that step between caring, thinking about calling and actually picking up the phone and dialing it seems like a chasm too wide to cross. Another possibility (Damn, I hate psychological mysteries) is that your situation with your parents - I'm guessing that you are coping with illness may be something that is frightening for her on some level or that she feels like she will be disturbing something. Projecting myself onto her again. I'm very shy. I had a friend whose mother lived with her for a while. I loved her mother and we got along very well, but I felt very shy about calling and maybe getting her mother on the phone instead of her. No idea why. Just the way minds work sometimes.

One more and then I'll go away and stop bothering you. Another friend of mine mourns that she has lost friends because she doesn't call them. In her case it is depression and feeling like her life is a mess and theirs aren't. She hates that she doesn't call her friends but she still can't make herself do it.

Just a few possibilities. I kind of made peace (back in the days when I was the one who did most of the calling) with the fact that I had the impulse and they didn't and if I wanted to talk to them, ultimately, what did it matter who called who. That can get old, though...

And now I really am going away. Man, what a long comment. Sorry.

tt said...

alli: yes we should be able to talk ..but it I guess it's the fear of the unknown that keeps me from asking her. Silly I know.

raven: talk as long as you wish! I welcome all comments from everyone! You never know who will have the answers that are being sought right? That's another thing that's so great about blogs. Everyone has diferent thoughts on things and I for one always welcome them. She has mentioned that she never knows when I might be too busy....of course I've told her if I am I'll always call her back...but she still doesn't call. Depression is something I've thought of before...not sure on that one. i just don't know. You've brought some interesting possibilities to the table. Thanks!!!

meno said...

There is a third option, to just not call her and let the relationship die.

I can't tell you what i think you should do though, if you ask her, you need to be prepared for anger and defensiveness.

tt said...

meno: The anger and defensiveness are what I'm afraid of I think. I've often wondered if I quit initiating the contact...would the relationship die? I ready for that?? Not sure. It would feel like a death I think. Plus...and here's a wrinkle..I'm her daughters Godmother. Granted her daughter is grown,married w/ a child and WE keep in touch..but I'm afraid that would make everything more complicated. I'm just a mess on this.

CheekyMonkey said...

I'm sending you an email on this one... My gray matter is leaking WAY too much for a comment section.

(Did that sound gross to you too? Man, I'm strange)

R.E.H. said...

That is tough... I guess some friendships can live through that what you are explaining here - and you still feel comfortable when you do talk.

But, if she never calls, never gives you birthday or christmas presents... I don't know. She's either just forgetful, too busy or whatever.

I would ask her...

Dianne said...

I would ask her.

I know the thought of a confrontation is unsettling but it is bothering you anyway - I think it might be better to know. If she reacts badly to the initial question you can try to tell her how you feel and how important she (and your God-Daughter) are to you.

It sounds a bit like self-imposed isolation that comes from depression. I've been there and I was glad when a friend asked and then truly listened and accepted my limitations until I started to feel better.

You're a good soul, I believe you'll know what to say.

Sunshine said...

This is a tough one ma. You've been battling with your relationship with your bff ever since the hugh blow-up with me and her daughter in 1996. I think it all stems from that. You knew something important that you didn't tell your bff about right away (at my request) and it pissed her off. Ever since then she's been like this. Maybe you should change the status of your friendship from bff to just friends... since you only see her maybe twice a year. That's not bff status, that's an acquaintance.

I feel some of your pain... me and her daughter were pretty close until that whole ordeal. It's sad really.

I know if you call her on it you will get into a fight... I'm going on yaw'lls past experiences here. If you don't say anything, you will fester until one day you say something and then you will get into a fight. It's a lose/lose situation. If it's bothering you enough to say something, then do. Otherwise you two will keep going like this for another 40 years.

I love you ma. You've always got us!! XOXO

tt said...

Monkey: Your 'essay' reply ws right.

reh: yep, I'm gonna just get up my nerve one day and just ask her. What do I have to loose ...well..a lot actually, but at least I'll have answers.

Sunshine: Silly me, I had forgotten about that whole thing. You're right. That's when it changed. Now I've got a whole new thought process going. hummmm