Monday, June 4, 2007

squishing the grape

I think I'm in a bit of a funk these days. Not really happy but not really sad either. Just a funk. There are several things that keep going through the ol' grape the past few days. Nothing major, just snippets of thoughts which are actually driving me nuts bucause some of them are things which I have no control over. I'm not a control freak by any means. But...i guess it's actually that there's not much I can do to change the course whatever the outcome will be. For instance :

  • My sweet Dad: he wears a hearing aid, sometimes, but it doesn't do much good actually. He's completely deaf in his left ear, but he struggles to hear even w/ the aid. I can immediately tell if he's heard whatever has been said by the look on his face. I can't describe's just a look- like his mind is either trying to decifer what he thinks he's heard, or a look of..." guess I'm just not going to get the answer to that" or "I'll just smile and maybe that's enough to make ppl think I understand". It really makes me sad.
  • He's off all anti-inflamatories because of his stomach bleeding so his back really hurts him. That makes ME hurt to see him trying to get out of a chair or booth or just move around in general. He NEVER complains though. But I can see it all over him. That makes me sad.
  • He'll ask the same question several times throughout the day. I don't mind answering him but it's just the thought that his once, very sharp Engineering mind is failing. That makes me sad.
  • My hair. Yep, in the grand scheme of things this one is quite petty. However, you who know me also know how anal I am about my hair. I did get it trimmed and she did do a good job in that she didn't cut alot off, but it still looks like shit! So, it makes me wonder if I'm being stupid in wanting to grow it out...coz there's really not a good reason to do it, or if I just need to find a way to quit worring about it. I mean seriously... how anal can I get. The talk I have w/ myself goes....` get over it tt!! It's only hair...either grow it out and shut the F up or cut it...simple.....quitcherbitchin' ! But it's easy to ignore oneself isn't it?
  • My Lovee. He works so hard. I mean, his job at the DC is very physically demanding. And He love what he does...gets frustrated on a daily basis but we all do that...But, he keeps it going after he gets home at night....then all weekend. He's the "Lawn Ranger" as some ppl know...and we have the absolute best looking yard in our neighborhood, which I love do my folks. He does theirs too!! Yesterday he spent 6 hours!!! on their yard! Granted, it's a fairly big yard...corner lot and all.....but, it wears him out and that worries me. I try to do stuff to try and shorted the time he spends on stuff but again, there's not much I can do about it. He's a yard man pure and simple....he gets immediate gratification from doing the yard. I just worry.....he's so driven at times.
  • How long this "job" will last. I know, creepy to think about. I've only been doing it for a month now but the thought of ` I'll only be doing this untill they die' stays in the front of my mind. Morbid, i agree. I litterally take a deep breath before I walk into their house every morning. I breathe, put on my smile, walk in and say" it's booggers!" in my best sing-song voice. Because that old saying, which I agree with 1 million percent of `attitudes are contageous, is yours worth catching', is forever on my mind when I'm with them. I don't ever want them to see me in a less than cheery mood. Why? Because I'm afraid they may think that I don't like caring for them or that they're a burdon ( which they've express concern about) so I MUST put on my happy face and I MUST present a positive attitude ... EVERY ELFING DAY!! Period. No room for change there. I never want them to think ...not even for a nano second, that I don't want to be there. I DO want to be there! I love that I can be there. But, it's very hard at the same time becasue I know it's not just temporary. It's their time table. That makes me sad.

So there are a few things freshly squished for the grape. Probably redundant coz I think I've mentioned it before....but it gets heavy on the grape at times.

I'm actually off most of today. Dad has a Dr. appointment today at 11 but then I'll come home afterwards. Then Lovee and I can spend some time together. THAT, I LOVE!!!! No sadness there at all.

Anyway, I'll just keep plugging away...just doing the best I can .... and living my life the best I can.

Squishing the grape is a very good thing though. Maybe now these thoughts will fade into the background and won't bounce around so often.

That's a good thing!


Tweb said...

THESE My dear, are uh.. "hazards" of the job..for lack of a better word. These are all the thoughts that most people think before taking on the task of taking care of your elderly parents. THATS why most people hold you in such high regard, you don't think this way before hand, you dont' think that this new role in your life would be hard. Most people would have a really hard time stopping yourself and putting that Cheery booger smile on your face before walking in their house. It's not an easy job. But you, do it anyway. And your grapes, work like my gray matter does. I wouldn't for one second want my mom to think it's a burden for me to take care of her. Natural thoughts, sweet tt. You're good peeps, period.

The hair thing is purely neurotic, which makes me luv ya all that much more. Welcome to my uh.. maybe it goes more like, thanks for letting me exist in your world??? I dunno. Maybe it's a female thing. Still think yer a lil hottie anyway... :)

tt said...

Ya know....another thing I can't explain is that I SOOOO look forward to you replying to my posts. Never met ya but I honestly FEEL like I's a parrell universe of sorts. You my little PG sweetie, alter ego on another more level playing field.

Allison Horner said...

I can totally relate to the hair thing. I am never happy with my hair. ;p

Sunshine said...

Let's shave our heads!! We can get fabulous wigs and never have to worry about lice!! :) Well maybe not. But I'm with you no the hair thing. I've hated my hair since I got the dreadful perm almost 2 years ago. But I think your hair is beautiful. You're too hard on yourself Ma. xoxo

tt said...

Now, who's off their rocker? Couldn't do that cuz then my ears would show too much...ha ha
It's just one thing after another......tee-hee