Sunday, April 29, 2007

Internal controls

My grape finally juiced itself and I now feel better. Why? Because feeling guilty is counter productive. IT IS WHAT IT IS. I love that. I always knew that but I just couldn't get my feelers wrapped around it. I Can't change what was done 28 years ago or I would have....let it go and move on. Momentary lapse's in judgement can have eternal consequences but there is no time machine to re-do something. Ok. I accept that I am not nor was I ever a perfect parent. They don't exist. ( really?..duh!) A quick, split 5 seconds forever changed my first born. He was sooo advanced for his age...walking at 5 months. climbing stairs at 9 mo....talking in sentences at 23 months....potty trained by 1 1/2....I viewed him as being older than he was. What did I know? Not enough...evidently. I treated his as if he were older. Did I listen to my internal 'mommie-gut- warning' enough. No. My wee little, smart,above average ( said the Dr.'s, not just me) 23 month old precious first born boy, fell through the railing from our UPstairs apartment walkway and landed on his forehead! There, it's in print. Coma, seizures, fracture behind the left ear led to Neumococal Meningitus. Projectile vomiting, fever up to 105 ! He was put on Phenobarbitol for a year...which has ever lasting side lowering your IQ..But, here's the part I never really concentrated on before...Lovee reminded me of it a few nights ago. HE LIVED!!! I obviously know that, but the grusome accident took over my life. It has for 28 years! The bad part is what I kept reliving -not the good part...which is that he survived. Ok, so he was irreversability damaged and had to be retaught everything. Ok. He had so many struggles growing up, which I ALWAYS attributed to "the fall"..but no one else did. Guilt was my constant companion...tucked away in that nether region which I visited everytime something seemed "wrong" with Baby Boy. " he's a teenager, hel'll outgroww it" " he's just acting out, all teenagers do that" " He's just having a hard time adjusting to his new surroundings, some kids go through that"......etc.
Such struggles he's had. I don't want to go into all of them...I know every one of them too well..but here's what brought everything to a head so to speak. He finally got an accurate diagnoses last week. This diagnosis was by a Neurologist in conjunction with all the Dr.'s and councelors he's seen over the past year. He's Bi-polar ( which we already knew) with Schizofrenia and a something-something anxiety disorder. Phew!! Ok, he's on 10 different meds....I pray he stays with them........ but here's the part that sent me over the edge.
The fall, landing on his forehead was the direct cause!! His brain started processing things differently...things 'normal' ppl would shrug off, bounced around his wee little grape and didn't land in the proper place.
Hence tha guilt on my part.
That's where my guilt erupted from ( the last few posts); sending me into a tailspin...which luckily didn't last too long. Lovee, my rock and my most trusted companion in the universe...through out some one liners ...simple but exactly what i needed. I analized every feeling I was having..tearing everything apart...telling him my every thought whether they made sense or not...and he said very little. He listened . Then, said a few words..."You did the best you could with what you knew". Simplistic, but true. " what-if's" went flying around and then I realized that I!!!!... I can't control everything...very little actually. Then the saying that tweb has which is MINE now( thank you very much - I'm stealing it forever) "It is what it is" flew through me like a bolt.
It's said ppl come into your life for a reason. Like, our life wouldn't be the same w/o ETK...the BFF....our other #'d kids......... . So, for what's it's worth, I'm putting a hugely, biggly, jinormous THANK YOU out into the universe for all to feel.
a big puffy heart to all.


Allison Horner said...

Pups says that, too...It is what it is.

Another saying that helps me through rough times that my parents often remind me of is "Give it to God." It's hard to grasp that we don't always have control over everything, and sometimes all we can do is give it to Him to help us through. I hope that doesn't sound too preachy, I didn't mean it too....but it has helped me a lot in my rough times in the past. It's quite a struggle knowing that we can't control everything that happens. Being that I am not a parent, I don't know exactly what you are going through. But I do know it isn't your fault. I also know that thankfully your son is still here with you to love & care for and it sounds like he is trying hard to work through his obstacles. Isn't that a wonderful thing??? It's hard at times to see each wonderful tree when your lost in the forest.

The medications can't cure these things, but they are amazing. Once the correct dosages and combinations are figured out and if he continues to take them, they will do wonders for him.

We can't change the past, but we can hope the best for the future. We can take one day at a time, and see each little step as great progress. :)

tt said...

I Love you Alli!
Lovee reminded me that prayers were sent up for him at the time...and obviously His plan was to keep him here.
We're all a work in progress huh!

Anonymous said...

cancer and heart disease really aren't the number one killers of women - strike that - number one killers of mothers...
guilt and hind sight provide us with a slowwwwww and painful death.

tt said...

I think you're on to something.
Sounds like you've been there and back!

Anonymous said...

still "there" not back yet.

tt said...

We'll survive S-L, you'll see!

Tweb said...

I big giant puffy heart you, just so you know. :)

ETK said...

wow, what a way to put it into perspective. I always knew that Lovee was good for something! :) We all love you tt - OUR lives wouldn't be the same without you. You don't ONLY do the best you can do you ALWAYS do the best you can do.

I big puffy heart you too!

Allison Horner said...

xxxooo to you, too!!! :)