ok, here I go

Well, after much prodding and thought I've decided to tackle this blog thing. I think it may help me organize my thoughts or at least give me a place to unload my thoughts so as not to unload on Lovee or my sis or other people I love and adore. I'm hoping I'll find the time do do this and that it won't take time away from Lovee. He is my rock and my anchor and I've been madly in love with him for over 33 years now!
I'm anxious about that because in 18 days i will begin a totally new chapter in my life. I will quit my job to take care of my 82 year old parents. Geez, I just put it into writing. Kinda makes it feel permanent. I'm scared! There! I finally said it! Ok, now that that is out of the way maybe I can come to terms with it all so that by the time I do this my "happy face" will be genuine and not forced.
I love my parents. I'm a Daddy's girl for sure. My sis and I both are. Everything he does, my sis and usually respond with " awww he's so cute" or "awww poor Daddy". Whenever my Mom does something we usually respond with " guess what she said now" or "shit!, doesn't she get it?" Sounds bad to an outsider I'm sure. People who know my folks would probably understand.

Anyway, I usually get random ridiculous thoughts zipping through my grape while I'm in the 'paint and spackle' mode of my morning routine. It's a lengthy process so I usually have time to process stuff before I leave the comforts of home. Some stuff just keeps bouncing off my grape over and over like a broken record. Makes me question my sanity at times that's for sure.

So, here's something my Mom said to me Saturday as I was taking her to the grocery store. it came completely out of the blue.

mom- " I had alot of guilt when Freddie was killed thinking that I hadn't done enough for him, so when Mom got sick i went out to take care of her so I'd know I'd done everything I could for her and not feel guilty when she died."

me- " well that was a good thing , I'm glad it made you feel better"

Now, to an outsider, that statement sounds nondescript and ...just a regular statement. But to me, it triggered something else and I can't quite put my finger on it. My sis probably could figure it out.

It was sorta like when I was taking care of her on one of her hospital stays...she was all doped up on Morphine, feeling happy and cheerful ( something she's usually not) and started giggling and
said " this is just how I felt when your sister was born; all happy." Hummm, ok, I remember the story about how she had the "baby blues" after I was born and how it wasn't a particularly happy time for her. Sooooo, now my grape is saying......is she telling me I will feel better after she passes because I'm going to take care for them and I will have the satisfaction of knowing that I did all I
could? Kinda like I'll be making up for all the shit I put them through? It's just one random thought/ question the eating at my grape.
I hope I can find some funny and even silly things to put in here. Humor is what's gotten me to where I am today. Along with a big does of optimism and a wee bit of Pollyanna thrown in for good mesure . And let's not forget empathy. My favorite thing in the world. Not sure where I learned that. Not from the parental units. Possibly on my own. Don't know, don't care really.